Ease up, or you risk alienating adult daughter

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This article was published 30/10/2024 (710 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m not happy with the decisions my daughter is making at university this fall — like suddenly changing programs from what we had decided were best for her.

I’m thinking of cutting off my girl’s funding, so she’ll have to smarten up and come to her senses. Then she can go back to university after she’s worked in the real world for a year!

But now, she’s suddenly threatening to stop talking to us, and to go out and get any kind of job, like a job in bar. She has always been an obedient daughter but now she has these new friends and a new life, and she is not behaving respectfully.

She has always been more of a daddy’s girl because he lets her get away with things, but I’m thinking of her future! I trust you will support me.

— Sensible Parent, East Kildonan

Dear Sensible: You might not have a future with your daughter if you continue to disregard her thoughts and feelings, and try to threaten her into continuing an education route and on to a career she clearly does not want.

Check out a new book called The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins which explores the wisdom of not pushing the people around us — including older children — into doing what we as parents want, when they don’t want the same thing.

She speaks of the wisdom of letting them explore what they want, as long as they’re going to be safe. I know this to be true, from my own career history. I abruptly quit a junior and senior high school teaching career one June, in my mid-20s. I surprised my folks by informing them I was headed off to Ottawa in my old beater to study journalism at Carleton University.

My family was full of teachers, and my folks didn’t know what was suddenly going on in my head. But I went off anyway, and in the end they threw money in, to help me. It was my best big decision in life, to that point.

I continued to a make my own decisions in life, and my parents continued to quietly just “let me.”

Believe me, you do not want to risk losing the relationship with your daughter by treating her like a foolish child who doesn’t know her own mind and must be overruled on choices she should have a big say in.

People who follow their dreams turn out to be happy people, and that’s what good parents should want, isn’t it?

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have an ex-girlfriend who wishes she was born a witch — not the wicked kind, but a magical one.

For two Halloweens after I broke up with her, she’s continued to show up around midnight on Oct 31. in sparkly witch’s outfits — to seduce me. She seemed to know I had no steady girlfriend and I’d let her in the door.

Last year when I actually had a steady girlfriend she somehow knew not to come by. I must admit, I missed my favourite Halloween witch!

Then somehow this year, she knew I was free again, and she ambushed me at my place two weeks early — in a gorgeous witch’s costume. We had a great time and it wasn’t just the great sex. She’d finally gotten things together in her life, getting training and a job she loves — and a savings account. Miracles do happen!

The problem now? I’ve been preaching to her for several years the reasons why we can never get back together, so she doesn’t know I still care. I’ve always “loved” her, but I just didn’t want to be saddled with a chronically-unemployed life partner. She was immature and had a string of jobs she hated, and would quit them and then sponge off of me. I even paid her rent a couple of months.

But now, I can’t stop thinking about her as she’s finally “grown up” and has a career. No woman l’ve dated is anywhere near as fun, loving and bright. The problem is she doesn’t take me seriously anymore! I think the little witch may be the one for me now! How do I get her back?

— Season of the Witch, St. Boniface

Dear Season: Start with a big surprise! Contact this witch who adores you ASAP, and tell her you’re paying her a Halloween-night visit. Say you will be on her doorstep, in costume, at a time she agrees on.

It’s a bit late, but you still have a day to hit the costume racks and second-hand stores to find something fun — even sexy. She’ll probably want to get in on the fun and dress up for you, too.

This could go very well! Be sure to take lots of pictures, as this might be a night you both look back on and cherish, for years to come.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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