Don’t let pride squander what your heart wants

Opinion

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My ex-girlfriend completely moved cities after she broke up our living-together arrangement of two years because I wouldn’t marry her.

I told her I didn’t see why we had to bother getting married, especially at ages 20 and 21.

We said, “I love you” every night and made love because we really meant it, and our relationship was just great the way it was. I felt sick when she made arrangements behind my back to move to Toronto to get her master’s degree and then left me behind.

Two years later, she’s come back and I’m feeling that awful pain all over again, having her here in the city, but not with me. I met with her recently — what a mistake. It bowled me over how much I still felt for her. My heart was beating out of my chest the whole time.

This week, to my shock and amazement, she had the nerve to say she wants me back. After what she put me through, wouldn’t I be a complete fool to let her have another chance? She says she wants it.

— In Total Shock, North Winnipeg

Dear In Shock: The woman you still love deeply is a little older and she’s back and wanting you. Don’t let silly pride get in your way now, considering how you clearly still want her. Deep feelings of love have persisted for both of you, even through the anger and suffering of your breakup.

Now this woman has actually moved back to Manitoba, and obviously it has a lot to do with you.

Fortunately, a marriage between you two actually stands a chance now. The love is still there on both sides — and has survived somehow — as many great loves tend to do.

You would be foolish not to try to work things out, but this time do it with professional help — an adviser who can teach you two the skills you need.

Qualified relationship counsellors are trained to “referee” and help hurting people ease the pain and rebuild on firmer ground than ever before. They’re trained to jump in and redirect the conversation and put out fires before they get out of hand.

This woman’s love has persisted and so has yours, so that’s good news. Time for you two to be brave and get on it.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I was obese and lost a lot of weight last winter for my cardiac health.

On a scorching-hot day recently, I went swimming at the urging of two friends.

While I’ve slimmed down, I’m very flabby in the back view and evidently look terrible in my roomy bathing suit.

I heard an old guy coming up behind us, joking to his friends, “Look at that; lots of motion in that ocean.”

It embarrassed me, and hurt so much.

I’ve given birth to five great children in almost 10 years, which is probably five more than any of those old guys have.

I don’t know how to handle a public slight, except to insult the insulter, so I called him a nasty name to do with his old age.

What should I have done, instead?

— Embarrassed, St. Ambroise

Dear Embarrassed: There’s a good chance one of this mean-mouthed man’s buddies would have taken a verbal swipe at him and his cruel mouth, if you hadn’t.

But if nobody took your side and that meant you “taking it lying down,” sometimes inaction can hurt worse and last longer than fighting back.

So, try to let this exchange of insults go. And if you want to feel more confident going swimming, wear a sleeveless beach shirt over your bathing suit and feel better.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.