No shame in enlisting parents to leave marriage

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I caught my husband cheating, but my religion expects me to forgive if someone apologizes. This is his third time betraying me with another woman.

I forgave him fully the first time, with the help of marriage counselling through the church, and then a private renewal of vows. I then forgave him the second time with grave misgivings and no counselling — because it was just too embarrassing. Plus, I was pregnant again!

But now, years later, he engineered it so I’d catch him cheating a third time. Why? Because he says he’s “deeply in love” with a much younger woman. It’s sickening to me.

So why did I marry him in the first place? Because he was popular and good-looking, and he asked little me to be his bride — a “plain Jane.” The big attraction for him was the fact I had well-to-do farming parents promising a big financial start for each of their children as they got married.

I definitely know he wants to be free now to get married to “the only woman he’s really loved.” He makes me sick! My parents can’t stand him and want to help me to leave him, but I think it’s too much financial pressure on them, and I feel the marriage failure is my fault somehow. Please help!

— Deeply Discouraged, southern Manitoba

Dear Deeply Discouraged: Getting out of this marriage will be the best thing that’s happened to you since your husband first started cheating. You’ll need powerful people on your team — and you have some already, who really want to help. Your upset parents love you and the grandkids, and they have money, so let them hire the best lawyer they can to get you a good divorce settlement.

Tell the folks you’d appreciate their help to find you a new home, and to help with counselling for the kids and for you. They will probably be more than happy to do that.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I hate the autumn when the leaves are all down and dead. I have a horrible time with losing the sunlight, and I slip into a cold “flat” feeling. In fact, I feel depressed until the bright, white snow finally arrives, and stays for the long term. Then the depression somehow lifts.

My recent girlfriend told me several times to “just snap out of it.” I can’t, so I’ve just broken up with her. Now I’m alone and depressed. I’ve been to a counsellor already, who says there’s nothing seriously wrong with me, except having to deal with “moody Manitoba.” So basically she was telling me to just suck it up — no help at all!

I think losing two months a year to depression is too big a price to pay. Sadly for me, I don’t have enough money to travel to tropical places to get out of here in the fall.

I just hate getting up in the dark to get ready for work. I’ve already missed two days by staying in bed, pretending to be sick. I really don’t want to get fired. Please help! I’ve been in this black hole for too many years.

— Fall Blues, St. Vital

Dear Fall Blues: You’re going to be extra depressed if you lose your job by hiding under the covers! So see your family doctor who could possibly prescribe an anti-depressant for the necessary period, until the snow is here for good.

Also, get yourself an alarm clock that wakes you up with light that increases by degrees to a sunny morning feeling in the room, and can get you up feeling pretty decent.

It’s also time for you to start thinking psychologically like the Scandinavians, who cope with their darker northern clime partly by wearing lots of bright-white or neon-coloured winter clothing. Ditch the duller Canadian favourites and go very bright instead.

As for creating a happy home-lighting situation when you’re back from work, buy extra lamps and bright bulbs to cheer up all your rooms. It can be a mistake to light only the room you’re in at night, as the rest of the home can still feel depressing. It’s worth the extra cost to really light up space around you.

As for using physical activity to lift depression, swimming pools with giant sunlit windows inspire happy feelings by day, and are still very well-lit in the evenings, for safety.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.