Grieving competition anything but healthy

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I can’t stop mourning the sudden loss of my best girlfriend, who died recently.

She and I did everything together, and loved each other so much that we felt like twin sisters. We lived on the same block, were almost exactly the same age and had our two children at basically the same time.

My husband is jealous, seeing my deep bond with and grief for my sweet friend. Two nights ago, he said to me, “You’d never cry for me like you cry for her!” I lost it, and said coldly, “Maybe you’re right — and there’s a good reason!” which I didn’t really mean, but I was mad.

He went quiet and said no more. That’s dangerous with a man like him! Now, instead of comforting me when I’m crying, he either picks a fight or goes off to the bar again.

I feel awful and so alone, and I’m losing a lot of weight, which is not good for me. Help me please!

— Aching All Over, North End

Dear Aching: The last thing you should do now is drive your husband away. It would be another huge loss for you and your children and your deceased best friend certainly wouldn’t want to have been the cause of this.

Also, if continuing to mourn drives a permanent wedge between you and your husband, you will have lost your remaining source of love and support.

Also be aware that your children may overhear your squabbles over grief and feel they’ve lost both of you. That will bring on a whole raft of trouble.

You need grief counselling immediately and your physician or a place of worship could help you find it.

Ask your physician to refer you to a grief counsellor and possibly a “grief group” that understands exactly what you’re going through, because it happened to them, too.

Some people heal and thrive within a group, as they have all lost mates, close friends, parents or other relatives.

In your case, you won’t need to be unloading at home so much.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have been squirrelling away my money since I started working in my field and investing it with a professional. The other day, I was excited to see how much I had accrued. Then I made the mistake of bragging about it to a close buddy.

Now he’s trying to separate me from my saved money with an “amazing investment opportunity” he claims he has found. He’s proposing a scheme for the two of us to get rich together, using my money for a start-up.

Last weekend he phoned after a few drinks and was really pushing for an investment in a side business he was willing to start up. “With whose money?” I asked him sarcastically.

We got into a big fight, and I finally lost it! I told him,“ Get out of my wallet and start a business up with someone else’s money.” He still keeps trying to contact me. Help!

— Out of My Pockets, River Heights

Dear Out of My Pockets: You need to draw lines now with your friend, and one of them is that you’re never going to invest your money in any venture with a friend — and possibly lose all the money, as well as the friend. Then stick to that!

He will keep pushing for a while. Then he’ll go after other buddies, if he hasn’t turned them off already.

Just button your lip and tell him you’re still interested in partaking in leisure activities with him, but you won’t be interested in talking business anymore.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography