Stop splitting hairs and focus on the positive

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband lost a bet and came home from a sports trip with his moustache shaved off. He looked like somebody else. He’s always had a moustache since I met him and I liked it a lot. He thought I would beg him to grow it back, but I was turned on by seeing his younger face appear.

It was kind of like suddenly having a younger lover. I told him that. I said I’d be fine if he kept shaving. He said he didn’t want to. Why would he not want to turn me on?

So, to even things up, I asked him how he might like to see my hair change. He said he wanted to sleep on it. The next morning he said, “How about red hair? I’ve always loved red hair the best.”

Wrong answer. His girlfriend before he met me had long red hair. Mine is golden brown. I thought he liked my hair. His red hair suggestion just felt like a strike back. Where do we go from here?

— Hurt and Confused, East Kildonan

Dear Hurt and Confused: It can be a long way back from criticizing your partner’s looks. Be aware any shower of compliments right away will be suspect and will not necessarily be believed. It’s wisest to try to patch things up with intimate talk, as well as sincere and believable compliments.

Still, the simple exercise of writing down all the things you love about your partner — looks and personality traits — is a good thing to do when you get into messes like this and can’t think straight. Don’t recite the list out loud to your partner, but keep it in the back of your mind, and things off the list will tend to come out on their own.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’ve just fallen in love with a new hobby and am spending a lot of time online with the people I’m meeting who are also into it. I’ve been talking to enthusiasts all over the world, and I can’t wait to get online when I get home from work to talk to people contacting me. I’m also talking to a few of them by phone, which is exciting.

My wife says it’s become an obsession that feels like I’m cheating on her. I’ve invited her to join in, but she’s not interested. So now she’s started going to the bar with her old friends, who are a cocktail-and-party crowd, which does not interest me.

Last night my wife was in the bedroom crying. I asked her what the problem was and she said, “It doesn’t feel like we’re married anymore. I feel lonely and sad — like you must have a new woman. I feel worse than I did when I was single.”

Help us, please. I really do love her.

— Not a Cheater, St. Vital

Dear Not a Cheater: It depends on what you define as “cheating” on a partner. If it’s stealing a lot of time from the relationship that used to be shared by you and your partner, then it is a form of “cheating.” Though not sexual, it still hurts your partner.

In your case, you are no longer available to do things with your wife because you’re glued to your computer and on the phone with new people you meet online.

Ask yourself how you will feel if your wife finds it too hurtful staying married to you. Now is the time to talk with her and ask if she’ll go to counselling with you because you love her and care way too much to lose her.

At this point, she needs more than just a promise you’ll spend less time online. She needs an active marriage where you go out and do things together, such as going to movies, meeting with friends and joining sports and interest groups you would both enjoy.

It also means throwing dinner parties at home to get together with friends, visiting your favourite relatives, making plans for the summer and buying each other thoughtful gifts.

Make her glad again that she married you and try to keep it that way. She is the real and present person in your intimate life.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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