Don’t settle for being ‘reasonable facsimile’

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I always fall in love when the leaves start turning to fall colours. But, this year I have a big problem that could get me in terrible trouble. My heart is burning for a guy I can’t have — because he used to be married to my older sister. My sister is “possessive for life” and would divorce me as a family member if I took up with him.

Still, he’s been calling me at night to talk about her and I have been giving him advice during the long calls. You know what that means — a lot of things are being said in conversation after midnight, especially when both of us have been drinking wine!

The trouble is I know deep down I’m only a substitute for my older sister. I even look like her! He was crazy about her, but he wasn’t true to her, and she can’t forgive him for that!

I understand him. It isn’t in him to be “true blue” to anyone, just like it isn’t for me, either. He can be talking about missing her and then start talking about how much I am like her — “in all the good ways, minus her bad habits.” Nothing would hurt my sister more than me messing with her ex-husband seriously. How do I get myself out of this mess? He calls me almost every night.

— Shouldn’t Be Talking, Winnipeg

Dear Shouldn’t Be Talking: The cost of talking to your sister’s ex-husband could be losing your sister. So think about that and prepare for it! Talk to a psychologist about why you’re also behaving like this way, and not hanging up on this guy.

You are risking the permanent loss of your sibling over a man who doesn’t want the real you! But he can partially satisfy his old attraction to your sister by listening to your voice on the phone.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife and I broke up for good and while I’m through the mourning phase, I’m feeling lonely and bored stiff. I can’t hang with the old couples crowd, except to go golfing with a few of the guys. You can bet I am no longer on their party lists or receiving invitations to anything done in twos. The wives think a single guy like me might lead their husbands astray. What a joke! I have no desire to do that. I just miss them as buddies.

Miss L, half of the couples I know are unhappy or just plain bored stiff with each other. Now I’m finally free, but free to do what? Please help me!

— Single Again But Bored, Tuxedo

Dear Single But Bored: You may not find your next true love in a hurry, but you’ll have a lot of fun if you try lots of different activities while you’re making a lot of new friends.

So I’d recommend you do some research online into local activities-based singles groups and consider joining. You could also look into joining general groups for social, recreational or creative pursuits that interest you.

Another great option is volunteering, especially for a group or organization you’re passionate about, as you may meet like-minded people to connect with. Visit volunteermanitoba.ca to find out about opportunities.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I got a birthday card a week ago which was a month late, sent to me by an old girlfriend who knows darn well my birthday is practically on the same date as hers, in June. I know how her evil mind works. She did this on purpose as an excuse to contact me and apologize for the silly mistake, and then probably offer to take me for a drink.

I don’t want to ignore her, but I also don’t want to start anything with her again because she is a drinker and a pain to be with for any length of time. How can I handle this?

— Old Flame, Windsor Park

Dear Old Flame: Send this ex-girlfriend a cute card and thank her for thinking of you, but stress that you’re “not available these days.” She may take that to mean you have a girlfriend even if you don’t, and that’s just fine. You’ve handled it nicely — without being hurtful.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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