Nifty neighbours also jonesing for geniality

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Recently, a new couple with no children moved onto our cul de sac, and everybody is taking notice! This attractive pair with no kids both drive amazing cars, work from home and leave their garage doors up a lot. Everybody on the street walks by to sneak a peek into the big garage at just about any time of day.

Lately, the man’s been out on his front lawn in a muscle shirt in the late afternoon, planting shrubs and putting up stylish fall-themed ornaments. At night they often leave the living-room curtains open. That makes for convenient viewing for curious neighbours like us!

A few days ago, my wife invited the new couple over for a barbecue and swim in our pool. They are really nice people, but mentioned that other people nearby have been pretty stand-offish. They wonder why. Should I tell them it’s probably just jealousy over their beautiful vehicles and enviable lifestyle, or should I just shut up?

—Wanting to Help, Sage Creek

Dear Wanting to Help: You’ve done enough shutting up! This couple likely wouldn’t have bought a home on a cul de sac if they didn’t want to meet people and be friendly neighbours.

So, get on the phone or drop off invitations inviting the whole neighbour group over for a get-together now that cottage season is ending. Have a weekend barbecue by your pool, and swim if you can before it gets too cold to so! At the party, you can introduce the newbies with helpful details about them and their interests, and others can see they need not feel intimidated by the idealized couple.

Then these new people will begin to feel the beginnings of friendships. This really needs to happen before the cold weather comes and people tend to hide themselves away indoors.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My mother-in-law is a great person with a job that pays very well. But I happen to know from a mutual acquaintance that she’s into gambling big time.

From this source I’ve also learned of the places where “Mom” stops to wager on her way home from work — and the further-afield spots she frequents with buddies on weekends. My snitch has a little gambling problem herself, so she knows the territory.

So, I decided to witness my husband’s gambling mother in action. Sure enough, after checking out the first three likely places, there she was stuffing a machine with her cash!

She wasn’t particularly concerned about being spotted, but she did ask me not to tell her family she was regularly at the machines.

I said I couldn’t promise that and she stared to cry. I’m a big sucker for tears, so I said I’d try not to tell on her, but I couldn’t guarantee it.

So here I sit with my mother-in-law’s gambling secret on my conscience. I really do love her and don’t want to lose her or cause her strife within the family.

What can you suggest? Don’t bother telling me she’d ultimately thank me for snitching on her. This is a woman who can hold a grudge, possibly forever!

— Scared to Snitch, Transcona

Dear Scared to Snitch: Contact gamblersanonymous.org for info on local help available, and also check out the Manitoba Addictions Helpline (mbaddictionhelp.ca), which offers links to help with problematic wagering.

Ask what other people have done to successfully help their loved ones to stop gambling — without losing their love and trust.

Cognitive behavioural therapy is considered the most effective treatment for gambling addiction these days. It focuses on “identifying and changing unhealthy, irrational thought patterns and beliefs about winning or control,” and also teaches practical skills to manage urges and avoid triggers. Sometimes doctors can prescribe drugs to help stabilize mood and reduce cravings.

Gamblers Anonymous groups also offer support for help family members and friends affected by a loved one’s gambling. In your situation, family counselling would be very important to repair damaged relationships and rebuild trust.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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