Woman tired of her bottom being butt of jokes

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This article was published 31/01/2017 (3532 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have a big butt. There’s no other way to say it. It is disproportionate to the top of my body. I am the pear shape, for sure. My new boyfriend can’t get his mind off it. He mentions it way too frequently, as though he’s trying to talk himself into accepting it. He has pet names for me like Bubble Butt and Bunsy.

I have never once teased him about his small penis that is disproportionate to the size of him. He’s tall and heavy. I would never hurt him by calling him nasty names like Little Fella. I’m happy with his penis, but if he doesn’t stop making me feel self-conscious, he is going to lose the best woman he’s ever had. How do I tell him this without mentioning his little shortcoming? — Had It to Here, Osborne Village

Dear Had It to Here: Say something like this: “You mention the size of my bottom so often I can only think you’re trying to make peace with it. You even call me embarrassing nicknames. So, tell me honestly: how do you feel about my bottom being so much bigger than my top?

Wait for the answer. If he gives you a quick pat answer such as, “I like you just the way you are,” tell him to dig a little deeper and get a real discussion going. If you still want to be with him after that, tell him if he wants to be with you then he has to love all of you and promise never to tease you about your butt again, or that will be the day he sees it for the last time as you walk away.

P.S. Wouldn’t it be better to find a man who genuinely loves a big, curvy bottom?

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Last night I told my wife I’m involved in an emotional affair with a woman I met at curling. Although I’ve never touched her except for some kissing, I’ve been falling deeper and deeper in love. Things have been cool with my wife — we have hardly had any sex for months. She’s not interested.

The curling lady is married, too. Last night she told me she will never leave her husband. That leaves me with my cold wife, so I went home and blew sky high. After my confession, my wife said she hated having “sex without feeling any love from me.” She said my cold hands and lack of affection make her feel like a prostitute, so she tries to avoid it. I still love her as the mother of my children. — Totally Mixed Up, South Winnipeg

Dear Totally Mixed Up: Face facts now: the woman you are crazy about from curling is not that crazy about you. She loved the attention and early days of the crush and probably the cloak-and-dagger aspect, but when push comes to shove, she wants her husband and family. She’s ready for this crush to be over since it’s getting dangerous. You were so upset by this you went home and had the whole thing out with your wife, perhaps thinking you were demonstrating your great love for the other lady and maybe winning her that way. Think again.

You’ll note your wife is not asking you to go away and you’re both talking honestly. Maybe there’s hope for your marriage. She has told you the warmth went out of the marriage and she needs it back to have good sex with you. She wants tenderness, fun and laughter to make love again.

Think back to when your relationship with her was warm, even hot, and how you behaved to make it that way. At first it may seem phony to do those things you did when you were in love and dating — events, dinners, long talks, movies, flowers and helping each other do things — but those things can warm up a relationship, bit by bit.

Love Soup requires more than water. You have to keep adding things to make it nourishing, tasty and spicy. The aroma of those things creates hunger for affection and sex. You two have every reason to see a relationship counsellor now, but that would be right after you quit curling with your emotional-affair lady. You must show your wife that much respect.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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