Husband traumatized over past hotel experiences

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 11/07/2017 (3364 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband and I always have staycations in Winnipeg, and this time I requested we get out of our house and go stay in a theme hotel. For some reason my husband absolutely dug in his heels and refused. I didn’t know why. After days of begging to know why not, he told me his ex-wife always took him to different hotels to try to get him to loosen up and and have S&M sex with her.

He’s conservative and from a Mennonite background. I am, too. Now that this secret has opened up he doesn’t want to go even to a regular hotel with a pool! He just wants to stay in our house, where he feels secure and happy. I can’t hide my disappointment and he feels embarrassed he let the cat out of the bag, and now she is having an effect on my life, too. How can we get past this?

— Ex-Wife Haunts Our Marriage, Winnipeg

Dear Ex-Wife Haunts Our Marriage: Stay in your home this year and let the hotel idea drift. Compensate by going out for more things, such as romantic dinners and fun concerts, using the hotel budget. When you do talk about it here and there, you can listen a lot and drop in comments like, “That must have been very hurtful for you,” and, “You must have felt pressured.” When he understands that you really get it, and he’s totally safe with you, he will gradually get over the trauma of going to hotels where he was expected to perform.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I arrived a day early at our cabin on the long weekend and caught my husband, who had gone up early for two days of R&R, wearing one of my bikinis. We have a remote cabin and he had the music loud. I had come in quietly on my little boat and found him dressed up in the cabin wearing a bikini with his longish hair fluffed out and lots of makeup.

There was makeup all over the dresser — expensive brands. He looked terrified and he was sputtering around trying to find an explanation and I asked him coolly how long he had been cross-dressing. He was taken in by my reasonable tone and he admitted that he had been doing it since he was 17. I asked why he didn’t tell me, and he said he loved me and I wouldn’t have married him if I knew. He was right.

We’ve had a great marriage to this point, although I’ve sometimes felt his clothes were a bit feminine. I asked him how far he goes with this and he said he has been to parties dressed up. I asked if he had been doing it out of town and there was a silence. I asked him directly: “Do you do this when you travel for work?” and he said, “Occasionally.”

I feel like a tree all torn up by a tornado. Everything I had thought was one thing has been another. I have been crying a lot and don’t want to talk to him about it. He always put off having kids, and now I know why: he would have had to go further underground to hide his kink. I asked him if he wanted to break up and he said no. Now I don’t know what to do. He said he would quit dressing up, for me. Really? I ask myself: “How would I feel if I was told I could never wear women’s clothes again in my whole life in order to stay married to someone?” Please help.

— Torn By the Roots, River Heights

Dear Torn By the Roots: You two need to see a counsellor who understands the cross-dressing issue so you can talk freely and be understood. Holding it all in is not helping. Call the Rainbow Resource Centre and ask them to recommend someone who will be experienced in this issue and sympathetic to both you and your husband. You need to process this news, not stifle it, and you need to understand this is not something he’s chosen.

In the meantime, remember, you are both human souls who met and love one another. And here’s a thought: you may or may not be able to stay together as closely as you have been until now. If you do break up, and you’re young enough, you may still be able to find someone else you love who wants to have children with you.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography