Living in different homes could be feasible option

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This article was published 26/11/2017 (3184 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just met a wild man — a real original. He has an excellent job, a great education and lives in a cabin by a lake in Manitoba. Aside from his job in the city, where he only needs to commute twice a week, he also does side projects on weekends. He’s a great host if you like cabin-style living with barely adequate plumbing. He makes lots of fires, delicious soups and stews, healthy salads and he even bakes for me. I should mention, he’s a great lover!

The only thing is he’s supremely happy with his lifestyle and won’t be changing one iota for me ever, even though he told me last weekend that he loved me. I can be an important part of his life, but he’s never moving and doesn’t want a woman living with him, although he swears he has never cheated on a woman. He has never been married and is genuinely happy living alone.

Now there’s a problem: I didn’t think I wanted a new husband until he told me he would never marry me. Now what?

— No Wedding Bells? Winnipeg

Dear No Wedding Bells: Would this man be happy to do the thing sociologists are calling living apart together? You get married, but maintain your separate residences and live back and forth between them. Sometimes he comes over after working a day in the city and sleeps at your house, and more often you go out and spend weekends and a few weeknights with him in his cabin.

It sounds like he’s the faithful type; he works a lot at home and values his alone time and autonomy.

But what if you really need the man, say you’re going through a tough time at work, you get very sick suddenly or someone in the family is dying? Do you have to ask your partner to come into the city to your side and stay with you for weeks at a time? You need to think about all aspects of loving this man and not make any fast decisions.

You need to know all the reasons why he won’t marry. Is it an emotional feeling, a family hang-up, a fear of being swallowed up, or is he just trying to keep all his money to himself by maintaining separate residences? Some very charming people can turn out to be wily cheapskates.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My sense of humour broke. I’ve gained some weight since I gave birth to our first baby a few months ago and haven’t lost my belly since. I now have Type 2 diabetes. My husband also has a jelly belly from drinking beer. The other morning, to be a clown, he put on a pair of my pink pregnancy panties, paraded into the bathroom, stood beside me brushing my teeth and said: “Hey we look like twins now!” and laughed. I bolted out of the bathroom, grabbed my robe and jumped under the covers, where I cried.

He was horrified and terribly sorry. He said he understood I just carried our baby and he appreciated it. He said he loved me so much and thought I was a beautiful person. He kept trying to get me laughing, but I sunk into a depression and have been there ever since. Please help!

— Broken Humour, Winnipeg

Dear Broken Humour: Both of you need to start taking care of your bodies and help each other lose the weight that is damaging your health.

Never mind the beauty aspect — your husband already thinks you’re beautiful — but he really needs to learn a few lessons from someone other than you about the difference between appropriate clowning and cruel clowning.

He needs to learn to keep that kind of joking for his male friends and maybe even rethink using mockery of any kind with people he doesn’t want to lose.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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