She told husband not to come home, and he didn’t

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This article was published 18/04/2018 (3091 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I love my husband, but recently he did something I can’t process. We had been angry with each other over the fancy car he bought without consulting me and I told him off. About 10 minutes later, I was bent over cleaning the bottom of the oven with my butt in the air, and he walked by and kicked me playfully, but with force. Then he walked out the door laughing.

I was so mad I phoned him in the car and told him not to come home that night because I didn’t trust what I would say or do. I told him to sleep at his mom’s house since he was an overgrown momma’s boy. That got him. He is definitely a big mommy’s boy, and he knows it.

“You probably talked to her about the car first, didn’t you?” There was a big silence. I hit the nail on the head. She has always come before me in terms of important decisions. She even told him we couldn’t afford to have a third baby. I made sure we did.

Well, he didn’t come home and he didn’t stay at his mother’s. I don’t know where he stayed. I have an idea, but I don’t want to check in case I’m right. He has an old girlfriend who would take him into her bed in a heartbeat. He came home late the next day and he looked a little too happy for the situation.

I don’t know what to do next. Are we even? Please advise.

— Messed Up, Winnipeg

Dear Messed Up: You two need to get an emergency appointment with a relationship counsellor and/or a psychologist because your marriage is at a breaking point. But first, think a few things out on your own: if your husband did go to sleep at his old girlfriend’s and says nothing happened, you might want to think over how you will respond. You also need to think over how important the kick in the butt was to you. Was it a joke or did it feel more like assault?

One thing you can offer, if you want to hang on to a relationship where one person has cheated, is to consider an open marriage where both of you can see other people. That’s not appealing to most married people, especially when there’s already an alternative for one person (such as that old girlfriend), but it can sometimes help even up a one-sided cheating situation in a marriage where one person is going to feel permanently guilty and the other person feel permanently duped.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Six weeks ago, I was walking down the street in my hometown when I saw this person coming towards me. She looked familiar. I recognized the walk, the long body and the hair before I saw her face clearly. It was my old high school crush. She wasn’t into me at the time, but I went to sleep every night dreaming of her.

Oddly enough, she seemed happy to see me. I didn’t know why, because she never noticed me before. She addressed me as “doctor.” (I became a doctor a few years ago.) Maybe that’s what excited her.

Anyway, she embraced me and I asked her what was going on. She started crying and said her mother had just died and she was in town for the funeral and to clean out the house.

There was a bench near by, so I sat down with her. She held onto my hand. She told me all about her family and some abuse from her father. I finally realized she thought she was having a doctor’s appointment with me.

Suddenly, I felt sad. She still didn’t want me for me. I moved away a little and told her I wasn’t in a position to counsel her or be her doctor, and that maybe we should figure out together who could fill that bill. I made a few calls and got her a number of someone she could call and set up an appointment for some counselling. Then, she thanked me and walked away home and I felt strangely relieved. Why is that?

— Confused About Her, Manitoba

Dear Confused About Her: It was the death of an old dream for you. You had been carrying that crush, tucked away somewhere, and after your talked with her, you realized it was finally over. You knew the dream that never happened in high school was never going to happen and that could drift away now.

You talk as if you’re single, and if so, this could be the beginning of opening up your whole heart for a real love, romance and commitment. That’s a healthy thing.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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