Wife scared to let go of husband who’s cheating

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This article was published 19/04/2018 (3090 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I feel sick because I can’t let go of my husband even though I know he is seeing another woman. I know who she is and where she lives because she used to be my friend when we lived across the city.

I suspect they’ve been lovers for a long time as we have known her for almost 15 years. She abruptly stopped being my friend about four years ago, after my husband insisted we move to a new neighborhood. I didn’t want to move, but be said it would be better for the kids, and it’s true. It’s safer and more child-friendly, but I had to uproot from the North End where I loved my house and knew so many people. I suspect now he was trying to put distance between me and that woman.

I don’t know what to do because I love him and don’t want our family to break up. I don’t want to demand he make a choice, but how do I live with him with this terrible secret between us and an ache in my heart? Should I call her and ask her to leave my husband alone? Would that cause him to hate me? Would it force a split?

If I ask him to go to counselling, will he know what’s up, and just walk? By the way, this woman has no children of her own and her husband’s a drunk. Is there any hope? — Heart Is Breaking, Suburb X

Dear Heart is Breaking: You really want to phone your former friend who is now bedding your husband? That’s an option, and it may scare her away from him, the problem is it may also cause him to leave you to be with her. Think about this situation like cracked ice on a river you need to cross to get to a better place: tread carefully, but don’t chicken out totally and sit on the riverside, waiting for him to go.

You could go the “I love you and I’m willing to fight for you” route, which is successful in some marriages where the partner becomes involved in an affair. Sometimes, just being aware of the partner knowing and suffering like you are is enough to take the fun out of the affair. You don’t have to be pleasant when he goes off to see her, but you can let him know you know exactly where he’s going, and that it makes you feel sad.

If he says he wants to talk about things, then suggest a counsellor. Have at least two you’ve researched on hand to give him a choice of a man or woman. Meanwhile, you need an outlet, and gossipy family members are not a good choice. Your best friend and a relationship counsellor for just you are better choices. Try to figure out when the marriage went south and fix anything you can repair from your side.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I lost my temper and got into trouble at a restaurant. I had just had a fight with my kids in the car, and I was in a bad mood. The kids got out of their seats at the restaurant and started running around, yelling. I gathered them up twice. The third time my waitress told me I was going to have to control my children. She didn’t say “leave,” but the implication was there. I lost it, and called her some choice names.

She went to the manager and when I saw him coming, I threw some money on the table, grabbed my kids and started leaving, saying loudly enough for other people to hear, “We’re not staying in this piece-of-crap restaurant a moment longer!”

I told my husband, who used to work in a restaurant, and he said that was a disgusting thing to do and I owed the server an apology. No way am I going back there. It’s a family restaurant and they should be used to kids. Why should I apologize? — Justified Anger, Winnipeg

Dear Justified Anger: Part of a server’s job is controlling the section she’s working, so everybody who has come to pay for a meal and pleasant service has an enjoyable time. Your kids were out of line, and so were you and your foul mouth. As for the apology, it’s unlikely that server wants to see your face again, but you could send a note of apology to the restaurant and her. Apologies do help, even to strangers, and your husband would feel better about you if you did that.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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