Sometimes, shutting up is the best policy

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This article was published 11/10/2019 (2491 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I have this buddy who recently started dating a woman I went with for six months a few years ago. She was fun at first and always very warm — OK, she was hot — in bed.

My buddy is complaining about how unresponsive she is, calling her “cold.” It has to be him that’s the problem, because she was a fantastic lover with me.

I just didn’t like her attitude toward work — quitting one job after another with months in between with no work — and I paid for everything. She needed to borrow money off me all the time.

Should I tell this guy she was hot with me and shut him up? Or will he think I’m lying to one-up him? I am tempted, as I know this topic will come up again, for sure.

— To Tell or Not To Tell? North Winnipeg

Dear To Tell or Not: This is a topic two guys who have dated the same girl shouldn’t be discussing. He was probably hoping he could complain to you, and you would add to the complaints, and he would feel the bedroom problem wasn’t his fault.

You have the opportunity to teach him a lesson about genteel manhood and that it’s “not cool” to discuss someone you have both slept with. So refuse to talk about her. Then quickly change the topic and get into safer, manly territory, like: “How about those Jets?”

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Well, you’ll never guess who I saw with his six kids, two of them ours! My cheating ex was out with his new wife and her four children and our two, at a certain children’s activity place, and it didn’t look like a happy group to these eyes.

It was my ex’s weekend with the whole mob and I accidentally came to the same gathering place with my sister and my little nephews.

Suddenly, one of my little boys spotted me and came running over, grabbed my hand and tried to drag me over to their group. I was pulling back and sticking to my guns and staying with my sister and her kids. My son looked at me stubbornly and said, “You’re not friendly. You told us to be nice to our new family, but you’re not!”

I said, “Your stepmother won’t want me barging in.” He said, “I’m going to go back and tell her that, and I know she’ll let you come over.”

He never did come back, and when I saw them leaving soon after, I could see my son had been crying.

I don’t know how to explain this to him. When he came home later, I asked to talk with him and he said, “I don’t want to talk about it.” I let it drop but I know it’s still a real problem.

— Unhappy Mom, St. Vital

Dear Unhappy: Your innocent child just wanted you and his stepmother and her children to all say hello and be friendly. He doesn’t understand how you feel about the other woman, who now has “your” ex.

If only you and your husband could share some of your plans in the future, you might not end up in the same places at the same time. At least agree to be civil to each other next time you and “the mob” meet up. Kids shouldn’t have to contend with hurtful adult politics.

Actually, you might have left as soon as you spotted the other family and you could have avoided a whole lot of awkwardness. Even if your boy spotted you first, you could have said to him: “I’d like to stay, but I’m not feeling well in my tummy and have to go home right away.”

He may or may not have believed it, but it would have spared him the experience of going to beg you and your ex to be together in a difficult situation with the new woman and her kids.

Find out from your husband what exactly was said to your child, and what set him off crying.

You can’t deal with his pain until you know the whole story, and your boy does not want to tell it himself. He’s already caught in the middle of two families and hurting.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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