Ghost mom gives daughter eerily earthy marital advice

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This article was published 28/10/2019 (2529 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I swear my dead mother came to talk to me the other night. She has been gone for years, but she appeared sitting in a chair by my bed while I was sleeping.

She was rambling cheerfully about everyone in the family and then said: “And you! Why are you still with this husband? He’s cheating and dishonouring you, and you know it. You have no children. Leave him before you do.” And she faded out.

She’s not wrong. I know he cheats on me; I know he doesn’t respect me. I have stayed for the money and security. He’s very generous with his money. I don’t have to work and I can do whatever I want with my time — like he does!

He likes the way I look on his arm — younger and good-looking — so people will think he’s virile. He isn’t. He doesn’t want children, but deep down I really do. Mom is right, but I feel paralyzed, unable to do something about it.

— Can’t Make a Move, Fort Garry

Dear Can’t Make a Move: Get yourself a job and start working full time or find two half-time jobs. Open your own bank account and get your head up. You and this older, wealthier man have used each other long enough, and that needs to stop. You need to establish yourself with your own money in a little place, or in a co-op house with other people your age.

It’s time to resume your life as an adult, which you gave over when you married this wealthy guy and became weak and dependent on him. Your self-respect will come back. You won’t need a dime from him to live. You will work yourself into a spot where you are completely independent and proud of yourself. Your mom will be cheering for you all the way! Then look for a new younger man who would be quite delighted to have a baby and family, and is in love with your personality, not your good looks.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m writing to support the young writer who hates teaching, but whose parents do not support their leaving the profession. I was there in 1990, a brand-new teacher who, by January 1991, was literally having to force myself out of bed to go to work every morning.

It wasn’t that teaching was too hard (it’s hard, but I knew that and was prepared for it). It was the bullying from the principal, the lack of control I had over how I taught the curriculum, the expectation that I would give up any semblance of an outside life to teach, and on and on.

I am here to give Sick to Death the argument I used with my parents, who also wanted me to stay: “I can’t face the next 30 years of having to force myself to go to work, day after day, year after year. I’d be miserable, and worse, a horrible teacher.”

I finished out that year, then walked out of the classroom to go back to school for a graduate degree in a profession I did love. I still work with children, but I have much more joy in what I do. Teaching isn’t for everyone. But I do bless those who are meant for it. P.S. It’s a very high burnout profession.

— Ex-Teacher, Winnipeg

Dear Ex-Teacher: Practice teaching with another teacher in the room — an experienced one who knows the students — doesn’t prepare about-to-be teachers for what actual teaching will be like when they are alone to teach in class. And the reporting systems in many schools are very heavy and time-consuming, not to mention the time needed for class preparation.

If your principal is weak or nasty or disapproving of you and your lifestyle, it’s not a great feeling to be in that school. Teaching is not for everyone, and parents do their grown offspring a great disservice by pressuring them to stay in situations where they dread every morning and another day of horrible situations.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just ran into a man in the mall who sexually assaulted me when I was younger. He paid for it.

I never wanted to see him again. He tapped me on the shoulder and said, “I just wanted to say I’m very sorry.” Then he walked away quickly. Maybe that made him feel better, but it has me shaking like a leaf. Why did he do that? Why didn’t he just leave me alone?

— Feeling Sick, Winnipeg

Dear Feeling Sick: Did he do time? Did he get counselling? Maybe he needed to say that to you. It didn’t sound like he was trying to ingratiate himself or he was doing anything creepy. Why don’t you just note it? Don’t try to shove it down or pretend it didn’t happen. You don’t have to do anything with it. It will process itself. If you can’t help dwelling on it, go for some counselling for that quick apology and what to do with it, in your mind.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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