No need for full romantic resumé

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 11/01/2020 (2420 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My boyfriend wants to tell all — everything about his crazy younger life, a stint in jail, and all his romances until me. We are not young. There is a lot to tell, and some things I’d rather not tell from my own wild, younger days. 

He promises he won’t be shocked by anything from my life, and I shouldn’t be shocked by anything from his. He says he wants to be “known” to me, in total, good and bad, starting with my last boyfriend before him.

I don’t feel comfortable hearing all about his life and I don’t feel comfortable telling him all about mine. Have you ever heard about this before — lovers making full confessions to teach other? 

I’m afraid he won’t love me as much when he hears about my previous loves and affairs and he won’t feel he stacks up to my No. 1 lover either. Also, I don’t want all those other women and their stories with him spinning in my head.

How do I wriggle out of this deal he wants when he has already started happily regurgitating things from his romantic memory files. Help!

— Hands Over My Ears, St. Boniface

Dear Ears: My own dad, who married at 32, after the war, used this line to my mother, only 24, and curious about his past: “My life started with you, Cynthia.” Riiiight! And, when my brother John and I pried the lock off his army trunk, we found handfuls of love letters and coquettish photos from wartime women. 

We came running up the basement stairs, not knowing dad had come home, yelling, “Hey, mom! Look what we found in dad’s army trunk!” My dad caught us at the top of the stairs and whipped those pieces of juicy evidence right of our our hands saying, “I’LL TAKE THOSE!”

By the sound of his voice, we decided it’d be smart to run outside and leave our parents alone. We didn’t come home for several hours, for our own safety.

While it’s true, most of us want to be intimate with our newest soulmates, we don’t need our new love to carry the weight of all that history or compares themselves to former great romances. 

Best buddies and counsellors are good for that kind of confession, but not people who will be needlessly jealous. Tell your man you simply don’t want to hear his past love stories as you don’t want to be needlessly jealous over things that happened long ago.  

Also, you don’t want to be put in the position of being pressured to confess things you did when you were young and stupid, like cheating or being a lousy girlfriend in other ways. 

If we get to learn by our less-than-proud moments way back when, we don’t need the experiences hung out on the line to be seen by our new love mate.

You have every right to say “no deal” and to ask him not to confess all of his stories to your ears. You start together as new a couple, with past experiences that hopefully helped you grow better as human beings.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My new boyfriend slapped my four-year-old daughter across her little butt for doing something naughty. I have never hit my children before and I told him he could hit the road.  

He has been phoning and apologizing ever since. He said, in his family, they always got a swat for being bad when they were young and I said, “Not in my home, and this was not your child. Bye-bye.” He says I’m being too hard on him. I’d like to know what your readers think.

— Wavering, West End

Dear Wavering: I’m personally against hitting kids, teens, spouses and people on the street, so I wouldn’t let him beg his way back. He had no business hitting any child and certainly one that belonged to another person. But my readers may have different opinions, and they’re welcome to write in and express them. 

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I met a fascinating woman at a conference here in Winnipeg, and I just couldn’t let go of her. I traded places with people at tables to get next to her. At her dinner table, there I was again! I was mesmerized.

She had no big interest in me. I didn’t understand the attraction until the subject got around to adoption, and someone at the dinner table pointed out we look like twins. 

My mother gave up a girl baby before I was born. I wonder if it was her and how I could find out. I did manage to get her business card from someone else at the table and I just keep staring at it. 

—Dying to Ask Her, St. James

Dear Dying: You and I both know you’re going to phone that number before it drives you crazy. Now it’s a matter of planning what you’re going to say. 

First, go see your mother and try to get every detail you can — the hospital, the date, the names of both parents, which may be on the adoption details. Plus, you really need to know who did the adoption. It may have been private, as many were done that way, long ago. 

Get yourself well-prepared, but don’t wait too long before making contact. You might start by saying, “You may have wondered why I was staring at you at the conference…” and then get into your story, and your question. Leave her your phone number, as she may not talk to you right away. She may need time to do a little digging herself before she talks to you.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.