Expanding trio to a quartet would disrupt harmony

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This article was published 25/10/2020 (2169 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband is bisexual and we are involved in a relationship with a younger man — good for all of us. But now, the young man wants to introduce a fourth person — a young woman he is intimate with, who has been intrigued by stories of what goes on.

I don’t think this is a time to invite anybody new into our COVID protection bubble, but my husband is uncommonly interested in this. I guess I would be too, if a young man were being added to the threesome, instead. But no, they want a younger woman, and I have seen her picture. She is attractive — a former model, who has developed a few curves.

As the only woman up to now, I have been all things feminine and divine to these two men. Accepting this new young woman would mean I am the older woman, and she is now the beautiful nymph. I can’t take it!

I told my husband I didn’t think I could accept this change, and he couldn’t hide his great disappointment. Last night he had a few too many drinks, and we got onto the topic. He asked, “Are you afraid you couldn’t compete, my dear? How do you think I felt when you brought this young man to me as a gift, ostensibly for me, but also, very clearly for you?” Well, he made a point.

I have been in heaven with the initial arrangement. But now, it’s going to turn into hell. How can I stop this when it’s being sold to me as “fairness”? I have always been a proponent of fairness. But now? I don’t think I can bear the demotion.

— Breaking Heart, Winnipeg outskirts

Dear Heart: Everyone in this group has the right to say no. You don’t have to agree, and you don’t have to break up your marriage. You two may need to say goodbye to the young man and woman.

Do you really think your husband will break up with you and try to keep things going with this young pair? It’s highly unlikely they’d want him.

A foursome may have sounded exotic to this young woman, whose only emotional connection is to the young man. What you three have may seem like a mini theatrical production to her, but she might be jealous of her new guy’s split affections.

If she set out to win him for herself, she could not have been smarter than asking to be part of the group, as it changes the dynamic totally.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife came to me and asked a strange hypothetical question. “If I ever went to a convention and had a one-night stand, would you leave me?” I said “maybe,” and her reply was, “I’d leave you if you ever did it, so don’t ever try it!” Why would she ask me this question in the first place?

— Shaking My Head, Selkirk

Dear Shaking My Head: Do either of you go to conventions? It doesn’t sound like it, so this is probably a blanket warning about one-night stands. Your wife either discussed this with a friend or she knows someone who’s done this and it’s become a problem in their lives right now.

Your own timing is interesting. You had a chance to ask why your wife would ask the question at the outset, yet you opted not to. Now the question is bothering you, so you really must talk to her about it, in detail.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just got an old-fashioned paper letter in the mail from an old girlfriend from Grade 12. She broke up with me suddenly (I never knew why) and went away to university two months after graduation night, which was the first and only time we made love. She broke up with me six weeks later, when I guess she first knew she was pregnant. I moved away to another province for university. Recently, I came back for a job.

Anyway, it turns out I have a half-grown child, who looks like me. I couldn’t be more shocked! I don’t know how to react but I’m coming to terms with it, and I want to meet the boy. I’m not married and have no children, but I have a good career going. I think I feel happy. Actually, I don’t know how I feel.

She broke up with me because she didn’t want to have her parents try to force a marriage at 17. She said she felt “puppy love” for me. What should I do?

— Shocked, St. James

Dear Shocked: You should meet your son and find out how you can help with his growing up. Be the best father you can and support him financially and emotionally, and with the greatest gift of all — your time. The young woman has supported him as best a mother can, and now she has reached out to you. This is your chance to step up to the plate. Your life has just attained greater meaning — you are a dad. Be the best one you can!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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