New beau’s coldness likely down to self-esteem

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This article was published 24/11/2020 (2141 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’ve been involved with a man from a neighbouring town since last December. We’re both in our 50s and things were great from the get-go. We could chat, enjoy a drink and relax together for hours. The sex was hot.

He has been divorced for a dozen years and has grown children.

Within the last couple of weeks, things started to turn downward. He quit his job and has become less sociable and talkative.

I asked him what was troubling him and he said he was tired of the circus of work and wanted to focus on his farm work and life.

This past weekend when I asked him how things were going with us, he said he was not good with relationships and was not sure what he wanted anymore.

I’m not sure what to do, or what to expect next.

What happened? Did I do something wrong? Or was I just something to pass his time with? Is he truly not good at relationships and doesn’t want to work on them, or is he a player?

I’m a believer that relationships are a reflection of time and effort put into them. Could I have done something different? — Heartbroken, rural Manitoba

Dear Heartbroken: You’ll note he seems to be fizzling out on you after leaving his job. And now you are mistakenly wondering if it could it be your fault and what could you have done differently.

Since this letdown follows right after leaving that job, the cool-down probably has little to do with you, and a lot to do with his feelings of self-esteem and purpose.

You must find out the whole truth. Did he really quit his job, or did he actually get phased out or fired? Or is the business downsizing or even going broke due to COVID-19?

Rather than live with all these questions, go over to his place and insist on some real talk. Ask questions gently, but do ask them. Is he depressed because he gave up on his job? Does he really want to be a full-time farmer?

What exactly does he feel for you, or not feel for you? It’s almost a year since you started together. Maybe he felt it was crunch time and he was not able to feel further involved.

When you know where you stand and what’s bothering him, you will know if it’s really time for you to walk.

Don’t go there if you’re not going to ask anything substantial and crawl away quietly. If you do that, you’ll spend months, or even years, wondering what really happened.

My wild guess? He might have gotten nudged out of his job due to a COVID-caused downturn and is trying to make it look like it was his idea to leave.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Late last summer I was going out with a good-looking older woman (28) and she insisted on bringing her female buddy to my parent’s (unused) little cabin at the lake.

It turned out she and her buddy are “bosom buddies” — their cutesy name for being bisexuals. Their plan had been to end up “seducing me down on the dock under the stars.”

I didn’t take their blatant hints and went and slept in the boathouse. I said bye-bye to this woman in September as she and her inseparable pal were feeling very weird to me.

This week I heard from that old girlfriend in a drunken late-night phone call she made to brag about what was going on that weekend, and what a hard case I was.

She thought I might be flattered to know I was the object of both their desires, and it wasn’t all her idea.

She said, “Doesn’t every guy want to experience a threesome?” I don’t think that’s true, Miss L. Is it? — Unwilling Boy Toy, River Heights

Dear Unwilling: A threesome is a common fantasy for a lot of guys, but it doesn’t happen too often.

In real life, it can be complicated and cause trouble. A guy with a girlfriend, who takes on another woman in front of her, is often headed for complications and jealousy.

The only way threesome situations sometimes work is if nobody is emotionally involved, and they’re just friends who are playing and being silly.

 

Please send questions to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.