Tread very lightly when questioning mother’s behaviour

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 25/01/2021 (2083 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts:  I think my mom is having an affair. I’m 19, and the last kid still living at home. I don’t want to list all the reasons, as it’s hard for me to even admit this by typing it out, but let’s just say I’m, like, 90 per cent sure.

My mom doesn’t come home until she thinks I’m asleep, but I see her pulling in at 4 or 5 a.m. sometimes.

I want to confront her about it, but I also worry about my family splitting apart.

Is it worth keeping a secret like this, just to keep my family together? She and my dad have been together-but-apart for years. They hardly speak, and sleep in different bedrooms for the last three years. — Suspecting An Affair, North End

Dear Upset: Talk to your mom about it carefully, since it’s really starting to bother you. She might deny it, or she may tell you you’re right, but she and your father have an understanding they will stay together until the last kid is gone.

An affair might blow “the understanding” to bits, if she was trying to protect you and your feeling of stability.

Are you ready to hear the answer, or do you want to turn a blind eye until COVID is over, and it’s easier to make new living arrangements?

That’s your important decision now, but it’s likely you’ll feel the need to get the truth out sooner — and who can blame you?

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My brother is having a mid-life crisis. He’s in his 40s and has a family with two kids. They all seemed pretty happy, so this new behaviour of his is strange.

In July — months into the pandemic — he bought an all-new wardrobe and a used Nissan GTR. I’d guess, all told, he’s spent just over $100,000 on the car and clothes.

When I to go their house for any reason (I just deliver stuff between my wife and my sister-in-law), his wife doesn’t look her easygoing old self. She looks thinner, with a pinched face, and she acts awkward and stressed.

They were doing well, but not well enough to shake off $100,000 worth of new purchases.

My brother can’t stop talking about how cool it is, and something seems off about that! I’m worried they’re in big debt now his wife has just lost her job.

They were never like this before as a couple. They were both very responsible people.

How do I bring this up? I don’t want him to stop talking to me, and he can be defensive. — Worried Brother, Southdale

Dear Worried: You could ask your brother a question that assumes you already know what’s up, and see what happens. He may be angry, or he may be relieved.

The wording is all-important. If you say, “How can you afford that fancy car you just bought? What do you need it for, anyway?” he’s going to shut down and tell you to mind your own business.

You could say instead: “I’m sorry about your wife losing her job. How’s she taking it? Does this mean you’ll have to sell the car — and then buy another one after the pandemic is over?” With any luck, this kind and accepting attitude will allow him to open up.

As for the new clothes and shiny new image, it does sound like a classic mid-life crisis, but that doesn’t mean he wants to leave his family. But it’s obvious he’s tired of his old image. Can you re-engage with him for some fun games online and be a casually involved brother with him so that you two can talk on a personal level at some point? It sounds like he needs to talk.

If he’s gotten into serious financial trouble since his wife lost her employment, he may need some debt counselling — but not from you.

He should feel encouraged and supported by you. What he doesn’t need is outright criticism and shaming. That will make him distance himself further. Good luck!

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My boyfriend is a very smart guy, but he lacks some hygiene skills many would consider pretty basic.

He wears his deodorant, which is great, but he doesn’t always shave when he should and he lets his skin get so dry it cracks and flakes on parts of his face.

I can forgive him for not moisturizing every day; how many guys actually do? But it’s hard for me to want to be intimate with a guy whose face is flaking off.

He is a sensitive guy and I don’t want to hurt his feelings. What would you say aside from, “Your face looks like it’s falling off?” — Girlfriend of Sweet Guy, Charleswood

Dear Girlfriend: Instead of criticizing him for it, use your superior feminine skills and resources to buy him the right skin treatment. Then place your loving hands on him from behind, and apply the first layer.

You can do that for him every time you’re together, and show him how to apply it himself.

 

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.