Likely best not to dwell on marital bygones

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This article was published 17/02/2021 (2063 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Life was going pretty well for me as a divorced dad until I found out my ex-wife is seeing a guy “seriously.” The kids blabbed it, along with his name. It’s a man I’ve known for a suspiciously long time. He used to be married to the woman across the street when we were married. Our kids played together, for heaven’s sake!

I feel weirdly jealous. Suddenly I want to know when my ex got together with this guy and what happened to his own wife and family. But worse, what if there was something going on I didn’t know about when we lived on the same block?

Who can I ask? Not the kids! Not my ex-wife either. Would I feel worse if I knew the truth and there was some hanky-panky going on between him and my wife when we lived so close? I just can’t stop thinking about it! What if he broke up my marriage?

— Not Sleeping, St. James

Dear Not Sleeping: There was probably more to your breakup than interference from outside the marriage. But sometimes it just takes an attractive alternate person to help blow a troubled marriage apart. It’s not surprising you’re jarred by this new piece of knowledge and that this man may end up being your kids’ stepdad.

Doubtless your kids will have more to say, even if you don’t do any prying. The only person you could possibly ask is your ex-wife, if she’s willing to talk at this point. She may simply have started dating the man now that he’s free, or there could have been a flirtation when you and she were not getting along. Who knows?

The more civil you behave when you ask your ex, the more truth you’re likely to get — so mind your manners, even though you’re understandably angry she left it to the kids to tell you.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I invited a woman I’d just started dating up to my apartment for the first time. She came in and started slowly walking around — criticizing the furniture placement, cleanliness, size and decor! She sure didn’t sound like a woman who wanted to get me know better — and maybe get invited to stay overnight.

But, lucky me — so much free advice! I now know black sheets are “a bit cliché for a single man” and that the alternate flowered sheets she spotted in the linen closet looked like they came “straight from Mom’s closet.”

My sexual interest in her shrunk with each new critique, although she did find my collection of expensive business suits to her liking.

When I finally got her sitting down, and made her a drink from my bar, I suddenly felt like pouring it in her lap. She asked me, “Why so sour?” I heard myself saying: “Because you’re so critical. I just want you to go home now.” I’m never rude like that.

“Call me a cab!” she said. I did and opened my apartment door for her immediately. She went down to the lobby on her own, and good riddance. How was I to know she would turn into somebody else when she got up to my place?

And where does a woman I’ve started dating get the right to criticize everything about my living space and my clothes? Did she suddenly turn into her mother? What happened?

— Just Don’t Get It, downtown Winnipeg

Dear Don’t Get It: Luckily, you two aren’t going to go any further. She was busy assessing you all right, from the superior position of a woman who knows everything about taste and decor — in her own mind.

Possibly she was just nervous thinking you wanted sex and wasn’t ready, so felt like distancing herself. If that was the case, it would have been better if she’d said, “I realize I’m feeling a bit uncomfortable. Let’s just have a friendly drink and conversation.” Or maybe she came up to see if you were a man with a successful look to his surroundings, which might have turned her on.

Be glad you got rid of her quickly!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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