‘Together-apart’ situation could brighten life

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This article was published 24/02/2021 (2006 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m a simple man. I live just outside the city and run an online business. I have three big dogs and I love my quiet time more than just about anything else in the world.

The whole reason for buying this place was so I actually could live alone and enjoy my freedom forever. When I was very young, I spent a little time in prison and I vowed never to lose my freedom ever again.

Here is the hard part, though. I’ve been living alone now for a while, and as much as I don’t want to admit it, things get lonely.

Would any woman think my life was normal, or would they just think I must be crazy, or a hermit? Do I need to change?

— Feeling Too Free, rural Manitoba

Dear Too Free: You need a woman who has her own home, loves her independent world there, and knows the whole truth of your life, especially the early jail experience, and understands your intense love of freedom.

Many divorced women are not keen on a second marriage and stepfather for their kids. That type of lady might be a good girlfriend for you. You can even get serious, and still live apart. Some people call love relationships like that “living together apart.” You’d still have your house, she’d have hers, and that’s the way you both want it.

She might be single or divorced with kids and she really needs private family space, as you need your quiet and freedom. You could date and discuss openly how often you want to spend time together. It’d be a warmer kind of alone than you’re experiencing now.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’ve reached my tipping point with my young son. He’s now 19 and is a big loser. I want him out, even more than I want my next cigarette, and I just quit.

I can’t tell anyone, not even my wife. She’d hit the roof. But this kid has now been in trouble with the police twice, thinks being a bad guy is cool, and he hangs out with some of the shadiest kids I’ve ever seen. He thinks he should be able to live at home rent-free, and eat all our groceries.

I’ve had it with him and I want him to move, but I know my wife will cry and make a big stink. What do I do? She needs to toughen up.

— Don’t Mess with Dad, south Winnipeg

Dear Dad: You didn’t mention if your son is working. If he moves out, without a job, money or a place to stay, he’s headed for really serious trouble. He could end up on the streets in the deep freeze of winter, and petty crime might buy him dinner.

You may be very angry with him now, but you don’t want him going down that road. Plus, your wife would hate you for it.

He needs a job and some training, and he needs counselling help. Yes, he seems like a total loss to you right now, but lots of young people have gotten bad starts in life after school. Do you know who he really is now? Do you know what his hidden dreams are? What would he do with his life if he had the money, education and support to do it?

Since the walls are up between you and your son right now, talk to your wife privately about having a heart-to-heart with him about his life.

In that talk, or perhaps a following one, Mom should also try to find out if he’s addicted to alcohol or any other substances. She might also try to find out if your son is suffering psychologically, and acting out. Is he living with some form of depression or other mental illness?

Yes, your son is acting like a pain in the butt at home, but your job as parents is to save your son from himself, if you possibly can! Clearly there’s something wrong with him at this point.

Sending him out in the cold is not the answer. Getting a job would only be part of the answer, since he’s been getting into trouble with the law.

Make him your project, not your reject. If it has to filtered through Mom at first, because you’re still too angry, so be it.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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