Make sure you’re not being taken for a ride by younger men

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 05/03/2021 (2017 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m always ending up as chauffeur to the young men I am dating, and I’m fed up. I’m 31. I’m attractive, free-spirited, and prefer guys at least five years younger. They’re often very intelligent guys with great careers ahead of them — but still going to university for advanced degrees. That’s where I work, though not as a professor.

The problem I always seem to have is guys who don’t have cars, because I’m an avid cyclist and cyclists tend to find each other. I have a small house and vehicles — one newish and one old. This year I’ve gotten into yet another situation where my boyfriend has the use of my old car almost all the time. My married cousin (the family drunk) cornered me when I was complaining. She asked why I’m always seeing guys who “need a ride.”

She wondered tipsily if they might see me as a bit sexier “if they weren’t having to ask me for the car keys.”

I felt like slapping her, but realized she and her well-lubricated motormouth had a point.

Yet, I don’t want to give up my favourite kind of man — young, athletic and outdoorsy. Cyclists make better lovers. What can I do? Am I really getting used?

— Always Providing Wheels, Fort Garry

Dear Tired: If you offered your old car when your guy’s car is getting fixed, you’re not being used. But if the guy has no car and is just fine with asking for yours all the time, his name may be Junior. It’s time for a change.

Granted, it’s a bit late to make car ownership part of the deal with your present guy. But next time you consider a new date, find out what out the transportation situation is, before you’re enmeshed. You’ve been a pushover. Get tough with yourself now! While you still may wish to date hot younger cyclist-types, your new secret rule will be: “No car — no date.”

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have a secret relationship going on with my children’s father. They don’t know I’ve been seeing him since a few months after we split. I can’t stand living with the man. He’s too strict with the children and believes in corporal punishment. I don’t want anything to do with that, as my own strict, old-world family was cruel in this same way.

When he first started hitting and spanking the children, I would scream at him to stop. He wouldn’t, so I separated from him, and got a lawyer who read him the riot act. My kids’ safety meant more to me than the marriage. I’m raising the children the way I wish I had been raised — without violence of any kind. He always has to visit them at my house, so I can monitor that.

But, in seeing each other when he started coming for visitation, I started missing him other ways — even though it was initially a big relief to have him gone from under the roof.

So now we have an arrangement. My sister babysits on Saturday nights and sleeps over. I “go out with my friend” or so the kids think, and head to his house where we make dinner and have intimate times. He is an insanely good lover and there are other things I really like about him, plus he loves me.

He says he’s sick of my only sleeping with me one night a week — and I think he’s lucky I’m there at all.

He thinks I’m weak as a mother, and has not backed off on his stance to do with strapping and spanking, so there’s no way he’s moving back in, and he’ll only see them when I’m there. “Spare the rod and spoil the child” is his ancient motto, and he believes in it. What can we do in this situation?

— Stubborn Ex, East Kildonan

Dear Stubborn: You two need couples counselling, no question. There’s a lot of talking and unlearning to do if he wants to be with the family again — but do you want that? If you actually prefer living separately, don’t pretend otherwise, and don’t expect him to live without a partner six days a week forever. But do try to get him to come with you to counselling for parenting discussion, no matter what.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This is for Mean Father, the dad who doesn’t want his daughter taking over the kitchen with her candle-making business. If another stove isn’t an option — either due to space, cost or electrical issues — using a portable stovetop would be a more economical solution that requires less space. As a baker, I have a portable trolley with three shelves that hold my heavy mixer, mixing bowls and other equipment I can wheel away to a corner when I’m done and cover with a sheet to keep everything dust-free. That might also work for them.

— Just a Thought, Manitoba

Dear Thought: Great suggestion! It keeps the business upstairs where the parents and the young entrepreneurial daughter can all watch out for fire hazards, and the trolley can be rolled away when dad and mom use the kitchen.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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