Foursome’s final act extremely unfulfilling

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This article was published 08/03/2021 (2043 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m deeply hurt. My husband and I had a COVID comfort zone with one attractive couple, with whom we share friendships and very intimate times. We were both child-free and have a lot of privacy.

Our relationship went from dinners where we discussed everything from politics to movie stars, to playing board games, walks together in the moonlight and even winter cottage visits at their place and ours. And yes, it has also been sexual, and very fulfilling… or so I thought.

To my shock and disappointment, this couple decided two weeks ago they want to “step back” — whatever that means. I guess it means goodbye. They gave no reason. There was no fighting, not even disagreements, previous to getting the call from the other husband. They have just decided to “move on.”

The husband broke it to my man by saying, “I’m afraid we’re not into this anymore. It’s gotten to be a bit much.” No real explanation, just kind of, “Enough, see you, goodbye.” No one even talked to me! I tried to call the wife who’d become my closest girlfriend, or so I thought, and no reply whatsoever. I’m really aching over this shock.

My husband doesn’t seem to care that much, but I was very close with the wife. My man’s attitude is “whatever” because I don’t think it was anything more to him than an amusement — titillation, something different. But I became emotionally-attached to the other couple. I guess they didn’t feel that deeply about me. Should I stop calling them?

— In Shock, Fort Garry

Dear In Shock: Yes, stop calling now, even though it’s the questions that drive people crazy after a breakup, and you have many swirling in your head. For you, there was no goodbye talk, no reasons offered, no angry interchange, no list of complaints. Nothing but a cold goodbye via your husband.

It’s interesting the woman wouldn’t talk to you, since you had become close friends. Her husband did the talking. That suggests a couple possibilities. He may have felt his wife was drifting away emotionally towards you and/or your husband, or his wife suddenly may have had a problem with you or your husband, lacked the courage to voice it, and got her husband to end things.

You may never know the answer. His wife may not feel the same about the breakup, but it only takes one veto to collapse a foursome. Best guess? Her husband wanted it to be over.

If there was a problem between you and his wife, you would have sensed something, and this would not have come as such a shock. Stop calling now, but in a few weeks, write her a note in a nice card if you’re still feeling desperate for some clarification. Maybe she’ll be more able to write what she can’t speak freely.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I had a lot of money squirrelled away my husband never knew about. My dad told me — not long after I got married — to try to build up $10,000 somewhere private, “in case I ever needed to get away from a bad situation.” I had an excellent job before the babies came along, so I took Dad’s advice, though I privately thought I’d never need it, having married my Prince Charming. I made that money grow over time.

My dad must have seen something in my husband I didn’t. Over the years, my husband became a daily drinker and then a full-blown alcoholic — and then he got into gambling in the last few years. I was still in love with the man he used to be — until this year. In the last of many fights, I told him he’s become a big loser and had to shape up, or I was leaving him. He was drunker than usual and said, “Go ahead, you $#%&!” and hit me so hard I fell to the ground. Then he started ranting raving, and crying. I got out — in my coat and pyjamas, and drove to my parents.

I am finished! I have enough of my own private money I don’t have to go back, even for my clothes. Thank God my dad gave me the advice he did, and I want to pass it on to other women. No matter how good your marriage looks in the beginning, put away your own money.

— Hurting, But Not Without Resources, Winnipeg

Dear Not Without Resources: Your father didn’t necessarily see something bad in your Prince Charming at the outset, but he knew people can change in life, and older adults have seen it happen before. A lot of people — particularly women who stay at home — have absolutely nothing privately saved, in case something goes wrong with their marriage. It can be extremely hard for them to leave, even when there’s terrible abuse, because they don’t have the resources to get out.

You were assaulted, and able to leave immediately. With some of your money, get the help you need legally and emotionally. It is not your job to help your alcoholic, and now violent, ex-husband. Take care of yourself now.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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