Grandma has to butt out if she wants to see baby

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 15/06/2021 (1934 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My mother is a heavy smoker and thankfully — due to the pandemic and only having had one vaccine shot — she hasn’t spent too much time around my newborn daughter.

I told my mom — who tells me how much she wants to see her grand-daughter again — that when she has her second COVID shot and it clicks in, she’s welcome to come over, but she can’t smoke around my child.

She said, “It never hurt you,” and then changed the subject. I didn’t push it any further, but I’m serious. I don’t want her smoking around my baby and neither does my husband (we’re both 27). How do you get that message through to someone like her? She’s a strong-headed woman and doesn’t like being told no.

— New Baby Mama, Transcona

Dear New Baby Mama: You have reason to keep your baby away from Granny’s second-hand smoke. Health Canada says groups at particular risk from second-hand smoke include infants and children and they point out there is no safe level of exposure to tobacco smoke.

Sudden infant death syndrome is one of the possible risks, so don’t hesitate to lay down the law with your mother. She is not the boss of you anymore and you are your baby’s protector, making you the highest power in this situation. So, stand right up, Mama Bear!

When Grandma gets two COVID shots and they are both locked in by three weeks, she should be able to visit her grand-daughter with you and your husband there. Tell Mom ahead of time to leave her cigarettes in her car. If she needs a smoke — and she probably will — she can go outside in the car or in the yard.

Don’t leave your mother alone to babysit. She will be smoking once you’re gone, because cigarettes call out to heavy smokers, and addicted people will sneak to get relief. Plus, you already know your mother embraces the false belief smoking doesn’t hurt babies and children.

If she has a hissy fit over the strictly enforced no-smoking rule, so be it. High time for you to roar out the news: Baby girl’s health is more important to you and your husband than your mothers’ butts are to her!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My son just told me he has no longer plans to go to university, and my blood is boiling!

He knows how important it is to his dad and me that he go on to live a better life than we did. We both worked hard for very little and tried to give him as many opportunities as possible. How do we save our only son from a life sweating under a blue collar?

Are we “overreacting” as our boy says? He’s still in high school and a lot of this began soon after the pandemic started last year.

— Where Did Our Good Boy Go? West End

Dear Where: Your kid is feeling restless and rebellious. You’ve started putting a lot of pressure on him to be the vehicle of your dreams for him.

That’s supposed to start in earnest when he gets out of COVID-era high school, where he’s actually been at home alone a lot. It hasn’t been much fun.

What does he actually want to do? As soon as he identifies his own goals — not yours — he can start working towards them. Or maybe he’d like a few years off to do something other than study. Maybe he just wants an ordinary active job that’s the opposite of being in the darn house or school. A university study hall may not appeal these days to a lot of kids his age.

Here’s a better thing for you to say to your boy: “We want to help you make your dreams come true when you know what they are.”

What you might do to help is find him a place where he can take career aptitude tests — or just research careers and descriptions of the work people do. The school should be able to help with ideas on the best tests and resources. There are many career tests online, but most of them require payment and you don’t know how good they will be. Consult teachers and counsellors before you buy anything.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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