Talking can help cope with coming out

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 27/06/2021 (1870 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband of 23 years, has just informed me he “can’t live this lie anymore” and needs to be his “authentic self.” We had a huge fight, and now we’re not speaking or sleeping in the same bed. He has taken the guest room permanently — not getting back in my bed.

I knew something wasn’t right for some time, but I never in my wildest dreams thought it was because he’s “gay.” During the argument, he yelled he has been seeing another man for a few years, and that is where his heart is. A few years!

I’m all for living one’s authentic self, but to be cheating on me while he was figuring things out? I’m sick to my stomach to think he still (occasionally) made love to me, while he was also seeing this man. How could he make love to me if he’s gay, anyway? What do I tell my adult children, friends and family?

— Pulling My Hair Out, St. Norbert

Dear Pulling My Hair Out: Some people can make love with either sex — it all feels good physically. But your husband is now also emotionally attached to this man — and in a big way. Since he says that’s “where his heart is” he’s making a breakup statement.

So what can you do in the face of this? Split up and get serious therapy. Way down the road you can look for new love, but now you’re in shock and need to make some moves. Your husband’s world is finally becoming “out and truthful,“ but now he must come out to any kids, friends, relations or close work mates who might need to know.

Since your husband is at least several years into a new love-and-sex relationship, it’d make sense if he moved out. Maybe you’ll decide you don’t want to live in the marriage house, either. It’s also very likely your husband’s partner will invite him to move to be with him or they will get a totally new place together.

Both of you will need help adjusting to these new realities, and professional help is worth the money. Psychiatrists are covered by provincial health, but require a doctor’s referral and often have long waiting periods. Psychologists are sometimes covered by an insurance plan, perhaps through work. You don’t need a referral from a physician and can phone for your own appointment. It’s the same with marriage/relationship counsellors who operate on their own.

It’s possible your husband had buried his homosexual feelings deeply at an early age, and he married you because he did love you and wanted a family, but he couldn’t bury those feelings forever. Don’t make the mistake of blaming yourself. It doesn’t matter how good a sex partner you were, his desires for a male sex partner were a whole other thing and totally out of your control.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This is in regard to “Two Big Liars,” the parents who promised their daughter a horse and are hoping she forgets about it. She won’t forget, but she will build a lot of resentment towards her parents.

When our daughter was young, she also wanted a horse. My wife did a bit of research and found a place that offered riding lessons. Even though we weren’t that comfortable around horses, we watched our daughter thrive.

The times we’ve had together as a result of making the decision to take that first step are too numerous to mention here. It’s been an absolutely amazing ride!

In the horse world, there are many jokes that carry an ounce of truth. One old cowboy asked me when we were looking to purchase our first horse: “Do you want your daughter to keep riding, or do you want her to quit? I’ve got horses for both!” Also, this one: “You can pay for riding lessons now, or pay for therapy later.”

My advice to this couple would be to start slow by enrolling their daughter in some riding lessons and dropping by the stables even on non-lesson nights just to watch and feed the horses. Join your daughter in this, and your relationship with her will also grow. There are so many valuable lessons you will never forget or regret.

— Would Do it All Over Again, Rural Manitoba

Dear All Over Again: It’s amazing the paths our children can take us down, especially if they have a passionate interest. It sounds like you and your wife got a huge kick out of watching your daughter learn, perform and work hard to look after her horse. It also took up a lot of her time and probably kept her out of trouble as a teenager. That’s a win-win situation for both kids and parents!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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