Dial down drama in confronting affair

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This article was published 27/07/2021 (1890 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife doesn’t know that I know she’s cheating on me — because she’s cheating with a woman.

It’s her so-called best friend. My wife stays overnight there once every two weeks — because this woman lives with her husband on a farm in the boonies. He goes away on business. She claims she feels nervous, and needs company when he’s away.

Right! She should feel nervous, because I’m thinking seriously of going over there and busting them at 3 a.m. Then there’s no more lying because they’re caught. I’ll tell the husband too.

I told my closest friend about my plan and he said the husband might think lesbian sex is “cute.” He also said to be careful, because farm people often keep guns in case of intruders — and I could get shot trespassing on the property.

— Fed Up With her Lies, Brandon area

Dear Fed Up: There’s no need to go over there like a thief in the night, trying to catch your wife in the act. How would going to jail or getting shot help your cause? Keep yourself safe from injury or legal charges!

Instead, tell your wife what you suspect. She may surprise you and admit it! Then you two can figure out what you want to do about your marriage. Or, she may tell you you’re wrong, and they’re just friends. You may believe that, or not. You still have every right to tell her you don’t feel comfortable with her spending nights away.

If she doesn’t like it, and you can’t stand her continuing to do this, tell her you’re ready to end the relationship with her because it’s hurting you and the jealous thoughts torture you.

Ask her how she’d feel if you went over to stay with a close guy friend every time his wife went away!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband turned 40 and he’s acting like he just turned 70. Every darn day describes us both with words like, old, ancient and relic. Not funny to me. I’m 42. The worst is, he makes jokes about his body failing — aching knees, drooping muscles, stomach pooch, hairy back, thinning hair, lines one his forehead. Who knew, until he started pointing it out?

I used to admire him through the hazy lens of love, but he’s doing his best to change that. And sadly, it’s working. Now I’m starting to see the signs of age he’s pointing out on him and myself. I’m losing my physical attraction for him, but I don’t want to. I love him and I used to think he was gorgeous as well, but wow, I wish he’d just shut up about his age.

I think he enjoys making the jokes — and waiting for me to tell him how good-looking, youthful and handsome he still is. I hate those “jokes” and the automatic soothing he expects. Please help.

— Not an Old Coot, St. Boniface

Dear Not an Old Coot: Tell him you’re sorry he’s feeling insecure, but that his way of addressing his fears isn’t working. The self-criticisms are slowly tearing down your image of him, and your sexual attraction.

Get tough about it, as it’s necessary. It’s a bad habit he needs to stop, and you can help. Tell him, you’re going to leave the room when he starts in criticizing his looks — and then quietly do it. Quickly get busy with something else. Come back soon, though, introducing a totally different, positive topic.

Compliment him when he wears something new, smells great coming out of the shower, or if he’s just looking hot. But don’t give him a chance to debate the compliment. If he acts awkward, teach him to just say, “Thank you!” then give him a smile.

If he says it feels like he’s being trained like a dog, deny it with an innocent “absolutely not” and go about your business. Given a little time, it may become normal behaviour — and a big relief.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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