Heartbreak clarified by biological bombshell

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 31/07/2021 (1840 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Almost 20 years ago, I was deeply in love with my high school sweetheart. We were 17 and sexually involved by Grade 12 graduation.

A week after graduation, she said a strange goodbye and took off suddenly to a different province to live at her aunt’s “for university.” First I had heard of the plan! She broke up with me one night, and left the next day. That’s how abrupt it was. Then she wouldn’t answer any of my letters or phone calls. In today’s parlance, she “ghosted” me.

Her parents suddenly hated me for some reason I didn’t understand, so it was no use contacting them more than once.

It took a long time to get over her, but I did. Life went on. I heard she got married. I pursued my profession, and got married at 30.

Well, you’ll never guess who popped up in my life this summer — my daughter from a pregnancy with my old high school love. Who knew? I certainly didn’t. She came to my office at the end of a day and told the nurse to tell me my “daughter” was here to see me. She brought her right in. She was the female version of me.

She said her mother wasn’t aware what she was doing. I said, “OK, let’s talk.” We talked for hours over dinner and got along like a house on fire. We are so much the same!

That’s not the problem. I’m beyond furious with her mother. What do I do about the woman who ghosted me and brought up our daughter without my help or knowledge?

My new daughter says she doesn’t want anything from me, except to know me. She says her “dad” back home, loves her and is really good to her. (I’m glad, but that hurt.)

I asked what her mother had told her about running out on me. Her quote from Mom? “I got out of the way, so he wouldn’t sacrifice all his dreams to a teenage marriage.” Talk about feeling sick. That was the kind of person my old girlfriend was all right. Second question: Should I phone her now? I really want to talk to her.

— Belated Father, Winnipeg 

Dear Belated: Get your “new daughter” to call Mom, and hand the phone to you. She will have to talk to you then. Twenty years have passed, and she will know by now her daughter is connected with her bio-dad, and talking is a must.

Tell her how wonderful the girl is, and that you missed out on so much. It’s not the time for a long talk with the daughter listening, so hold your fire, and ask for a longer private talk later.

What else can you do at this point? As well as having a great relationship with this new daughter, ask her if you can help with her education. Be aware Mom and her husband might have an education fund for her already, and your daughter may prefer to take nothing from anybody. She certainly doesn’t want you to think she came to get what she could out of you.

Does she want to stay in Winnipeg near you, but not necessarily under your roof? Or she may have had enough for now, and need to go back home. You should do everything you can to facilitate freedom for her to pursue her dreams and to fly back and forth to visit you.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This man was staring at me at The Forks. When I looked at him, he’d look sheepish, and look away. Finally, I asked him. “Do I know you from somewhere?”

He said, “Yes. Wanna play ‘Guess Where?’” It took a while but we nailed it down to soccer — Grade 2. He was on my team and he had big brown eyes back then too. We got to talking — cute guy — and I really liked him. Then he said, “Uh-oh, here comes my girlfriend. I better go!”

Today he sent me a message on Facebook. Now why did he do that? I thought he was working up to asking me out when we were sitting together at The Forks — but he was already taken! Should I message him back?

— Complimented or Insulted? Osborne Village

Dear Complimented: This guy found out he was flirting with a soccer mate — from grade school. Then he spotted his girlfriend and had to back off. Life has carried on for both of you. That’s OK; she may not last forever. You’re new on the scene. Fine! Why not be his friend for now and see what happens?

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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