Differing read on language of love spells trouble

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This article was published 10/02/2022 (1368 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’ve started seeing a girl who says “I love you” as often as she says thank you. I suspect she just means “I like you.” I brought this up to her, and her face got really red. She ran into the bathroom and cried.

She’s cool to me now, and I’m afraid I may have lost her. I really, really liked her, but “love” isn’t a word I throw around, and I told her that up in a follow-up phone call. Big mistake. She said, “I don’t throw it around either!” What should I do now?

— Have I Blown It? St. James

Dear Blown It: Feelings are delicate around the “love you/like you” issue. The powerful word “love” is better left unstated in the beginning. You can go on praising a new partner’s charms all you want, but once the word “love” is spoken, expectations of commitment increase. Since this girl says “I love you” as easily as “thank you,” she might not be terribly hurt if you move on. In fact, it seems she has already done that.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband has lost two jobs since COVID started — not his fault, just lay-offs. He’s at home 24-7 now.

I know he’s dying for a drink. He’s hinted about going to meet “the boys” lately — his old drinking group. If he starts drinking again with them, it’s the end of us. He gets loud, mean and nasty when he’s drunk. Luckily, I’m bigger than him, and one tough lady.

I still have my job because I can work online at home. I totally support us right now, and I don’t mind… but he does. He feels like a loser compared to me.

He’s on his last chance with me! I kicked him out “for good” last time, but let him back, but this time I mean it. If I put him out, he’d have to go back to his mother’s house, or he’d be on the street. His friends are all married, and none of their wives would want him on their couches.

I made him sign a contract to come home last time, with the rules set out for him staying. He just cannot start drinking again. I do love this man, but these days it’s like waiting for the roof to fall in. Please help.

— Desperately Want to Help Him, central Winnipeg

Dear Desperately: Having a job again is one of the main issues, so actively helping him find a job, or even two part-time gigs, would make sense. Apart from work, he needs support in his sobriety, and it shouldn’t fall solely on your shoulders. Let’s look at both problems.

Job hunting can be anxiety-provoking on your own, but with a buddy, it’s a shared project and not so daunting. Help him build a great resumé so he doesn’t arrive at a prospective employer empty-handed.

List all his skills — big and small — as well as his employment background. If the job comes down to a competition between people with the same job skills, then your husband’s section called “other skills” could make all the difference. Interview him about his life’s activities, from his teen years on. Perhaps he was a lifeguard, helped build a garage, ran marathons or played in a band — these kinds of things, in addition to all kinds of skills learned on part-time and summer jobs, can round out his character in the eyes of someone hiring.

You should also check in with friends and relatives who might know of work, and ask everybody to keep an eye out. He’d be embarrassed to do that himself.

As for the drinking issue, he quit to keep you but he needs more support and friendship than just yours. That’s what Alcoholics Anonymous is for — not just for quitting, but for staying sober with the support of a new group. Encourage him to make contact for meetings at aamanitoba.org/online-meetings. Also, promise to get out of the room when he’s attending a meeting online. Due to COVID restrictions, many meetings are offered this way.

For more information, he can contact AA’s Manitoba Central Office by phoning 204-942-0126 or 1-877-942-0126 (toll-free), or by email at aambco@mts.net.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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