Face up to brother blunder and move on

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 21/02/2022 (1679 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I thought I knew what love was — until my boyfriend’s older brother came back to Manitoba to live. I guess all the rough edges a younger brother has are smoothed out with five more years of living. His older brother is him — plus. He is everything I could want, and more.

So, like the nice girl I am, I dutifully broke up with the younger brother. Then I waited six months before I made a play for his older brother. I thought for sure he liked me, as the two brothers are so much alike in tastes — in their music, sports and attraction to lively, athletic women.

When I asked him over to my place, he told me, “No way!” I was surprised. I asked him if he was just trying to be loyal to his brother, and he said: “I don’t find a woman attractive who’d be disloyal to my brother and go after me. It turns me right off.”

So that happened, even though I know he was turned on by me. I could always feel it, when he looked at me.

I don’t know how to think about this so it will stop bothering me. Got any help?

— Stinging, Norwood

Dear Stinging: Your conscience is stinging you, because you won’t admit to yourself you did anything wrong. Going after your ex-boyfriend’s older brother — no matter how many months you held off — is still an underhanded thing to do. If the older brother had gone for your offer, he might have permanently damaged the love and trust with his brother.

Granted, the older brother may have looked at you and felt sexual attraction, and noticed you answering his hot glances, but he loves his brother in a deep and loyal way. He told you no, even after you were free for months. Why? Your rejected boyfriend might have felt betrayal, anger and even violence towards his older brother if he took up with you. He’d always wonder if his bro went behind his back earlier on and stole you away.

What you should have done was analyze what extra personality traits you really wanted, after you met the older brother, and then gone looking for the whole package outside of that one family.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I was fascinated to see what my ex-wife dragged home, now that we’ve been separated the better part of a year. Word just reached me she had a new “roommate.” That seemed strange to me, as we shared a tiny one-bedroom house.

We don’t have children, so when I heard somebody was “pretty much living there,” I made up an excuse to get my old cross-country ski gear out of the basement. So, who opens the door but this woman I thought was just my ex’s best friend. The two of them are looking rumpled, hair all over the place, red cheeks — you know the look. Finally, I get it, and I suddenly know they want me to get it. They are much more than best friends!

I really need to know how long this has been going on. Is this why we broke up? Was my wife playing on both sides of the street all along? This “friend” was in our wedding party!

Do I have any right to phone her and ask her? It wouldn’t be harassment. I just want to know in one phone call when it actually started.

— Messed Up All Over Again, St. Vital

Dear Messed Up: Believe it or not, you could turn this into a gift. Before you talk to your ex-wife on the phone, you need to speak to a relationship counsellor, where you can say everything you really think, uncensored. Then you need to talk about how this new piece of information may or may not have contributed to the breakup of you and your wife.

Finally, what can you do with this knowledge? In the best-case scenario, you can reduce the blame you feel for the breakup and be glad it didn’t drag out any longer — and then get on with your life. When you accept the new reality, you can relax and hopefully get ready to date again and start looking for a new and better relationship — and one that has a real chance.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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