Positivity best way to get past ‘truth’ telling

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This article was published 27/02/2022 (1677 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My young husband and I were getting so bored with being stuck at home that I came up with one of my big ideas for stimulating conversation. I thought we should be honest and tell one another what we could improve on. Nothing would be taken personally.

First night, I got to speak. I mentioned a number of things my husband could improve. He actually seemed grateful! Little did I know. The next night he had a list sticking out of his shirt pocket. It was his turn, and I listened in stunned silence as he went on and on.

There were only two things I agreed on, many things I’d never thought about and a few things I just can’t hear, like him joking about my “big honker.”

I left the room, totally hurt and insecure. I know we both agreed at the outset we wouldn’t take anything personally, but now his critical words are all I can think about. What can I do?

— Wounded on the Battlefield, Fort Richmond

Dear Wounded: Sometimes people don’t react visibly when they’re being criticized. In fact, they can be so stunned, they just can’t speak. You attacked first, and hurt your husband more deeply than you knew. He was up to bat second, after having all the previous night for your painful critiques to sink in.

It’s not possible to “take back” the things you two said, but how about this for an antidote? Make lists of the 10 things you really admire about each other, and exchange them. It won’t totally erase the criticisms, but they’ll fade more quickly.

Be the first one to offer a hug, and be prepared that he might turn away from you the first night. It takes a little time to heal, but both of you will also have your lists of positives to look at, so that will help.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’d been chatting in an online group of six people as a way to get through the boredom of COVID. We decided, when things got settled enough, we’d get together for a dinner. I was really looking forward to meeting these lovely people I’d grown close to.

Well, that day came recently, and it wasn’t very pretty. One guy drank far too much, becoming loud and obnoxious. The woman beside me couldn’t wait to whisper trash in my ear about another person in the group.

I left the dinner deflated. People can pretend to be who they want to be on a computer screen; in person, it’s another story.

I’ve had no contact with these people since. Now, two of them are leaving messages to ask if I’m OK. I don’t want any more contact with that group. I don’t owe them an explanation, do I?

— Goin’ Down the Road, Garden City

Dear Goin’ Down the Road: It isn’t good manners to ghost the entire group. That would make you one of the rude people.

If the people calling to ask after your health are neither the trash-talker nor the drinker, tell them this group wasn’t for you. If pressed for specifics, give them some very briefly, and say a kind goodbye to them.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m writing in regard to the older lady who swore at the guy in the supermarket. (They were struggling for access to a fruit display. I said to recognize the little blowup, but not to dwell on it and to banish the thoughts quickly. —Miss L.)

I think it’s best to handle it this way: Before the lady spoke, it was assumed she was nice. But, with her response, she proved the kind of person she truly is. It is best not to respond and lower yourself to her level.

— Aware, Winnipeg

Dear Aware: Yes, that also sounds good. The worst thing you can do is obsess and complain to friends about a 15-second annoyance. Imagine if we did that for everything that happens in annoying rush-hour traffic?

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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