Find common ground in shifting dynamic

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 23/03/2022 (1648 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m a happy workaholic. My easygoing, relaxed husband is reaping the benefits. I thought this worked for us.

Apparently not! He retired in his late 50s, and is now bored stiff, and says he wants us to travel. I really don’t want to go with him! I love my job, and my little business on the side.

But he has a big friendship going on now with his deceased buddy’s wife. She is not that attractive but she’s always “there” for him. He’s always going next door to help her out with things “because she’s so good to him.” Last night he let if slip that she would love to travel, too.

She’s already been retired five years and never had an interest in travel before. What’s going on? What, if anything can I do? I feel so pressured and I am angry!

— Rock and a Hard Place, Charleswood

Dear Hard Place: Your husband is clearly hinting at the consequences of your not retiring along with him — and he’s not being subtle anymore. He’s offering you a future of being retired and travelling the world with him. Or, if you don’t accept what he wants, there’s the unspoken threat of a female replacement, already warming up in the wings.

Turn it around. If you were forcing your hand on your husband, what would he do?

You need a whole new alternative that you two can’t imagine — yet. Go to a relationship counsellor and see if you can work one out. That might include more exotic travel holidays together, and your husband creating a new offshoot of your biz that intrigues him. It takes money to fund travel to exotic places, and that new business could possibly create a helpful fund.

As for the widow next door, stop being the polite Canadian. Go over there and face her down. The sooner, the better!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I had a high school boyfriend who came from out of town and quickly became popular with my friends. He graduated from dating boring old me very quickly, and went on to a girl who was much hotter looking and also funny. I couldn’t compete.

Then he went away to a university in Ontario. This week I found out through the grapevine he’s back for a job here in Winnipeg. I’m way too excited! I know where he works.

Is it a mistake to call someone you once had a thing with, but it didn’t work out? I know what the problem was then — I was shy and boring. I hadn’t grown much of a body, either.

I’m 24 now, and want to show him the new me. What do you think would be good as a first move?

— Dying to See Him Again, St. Boniface

Dear Dying: A phone call to his new workplace would be enough, saying: “Welcome back. Let’s go for coffee sometime and I’ll catch you up on the old gang.” Remember, a warm phone voice is more attractive than just saying hello online.

Be prepared for a coffee date to be all about the old gang — and not a flirtatious date. The trouble with trying to go back and win someone over who wasn’t interested before is the flat memory both of you have of that time.

So, just be fun and friendly, and a bit of a tour guide. If it becomes awkward and conversation is not flowing, let him off the hook. Be the one to excuse yourself first, and tell him you’ll gladly put him on your party list.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My older brother disappears after school a lot. He’s in Grade 11, has no job, but isn’t expected to report in at his age. I’m a year younger — but more sensible by a long shot.

I used to hang around with him a lot, but now he’s missing the minute school’s out. I started asking around and a guy told me he was often with a certain girl. She’s hot-looking and a year older than he is.

I know my brother. He’ll be over at her place doing whatever, before her parents get home from work. What should I do?

— Nervous Brother, south Winnipeg

Dear Nervous: You’re worried about your brother having hot times with consequences. You do know he’d hate it if you interfere, but it’ll be worse if something happens and his new girlfriend ends up pregnant.

Pass the word to mom. It’s better if your mom says she “heard” he’s been seeing somebody after school, and she can ask a few questions. Once the after-school relationship is out of hiding, there’ll be pressure to bring her around to meet the family.

If your mom is strong, she might also have a talk with your brother about protection, which is something too many young people only worry about after it’s too late.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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