Go easy as you investigate paternity truth

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 12/04/2022 (1598 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Call me suspicious, but a part of me has always felt like my dad wasn’t my birth father. I feel this strongly now, especially after overhearing a conversation between my mom and her older sister. I don’t look like my dad, and I now have good reason to believe he isn’t actually my father.

I love him and my mom, and don’t want to rock the boat, but it’s eating away at me. How should I approach this?

— Wondering About My True Dad, Transcona

Dear Wondering: First, ask your dad casually about the medical history of his family, telling him it’s so you’ll know for your own life and future children. If he seriously balks at discussing this, there may be a reason — and it could be the one you suspect.

Also be aware some people just hate this kind of “medical” question, because they feel like you’re asking for their family’s physical deficiencies.

Why not try Mom on the birth-father issue? If she conceived you with another man, she may be able to talk about it now that you have real reason to suspect something. Tell her everything you overheard.

She may have made a vow to your dad to always support the idea he was your biological father. Why? It can sometimes shake a father-son relationship to discover Dad is not the “real” father — yet, he’s been the loving and present father all along.

Still, you do have a right to know your true background.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’ve always been a sensual woman, but I recently found a partner who outdoes me in frequency, to the point where I’m the one who wants to slow things down a bit.

I told him last week, and he cooled off immediately. Then, when he was leaving, he said in a voice I didn’t like, “You’ll get your wish, Princess.”

This week I only saw him once. I suspect he’s looking elsewhere. I don’t want to lose him and be back to being the one who’s always in sexual need in a relationship.

— Feeling So Confused, Osborne Village

Dear Confused: The guy who is walking away right now needs to be the king, not just the prince. You are both highly-sexed partners, which was good at first as you were never in sexual need. But, it turns out both of you need to control the frequency.

Time to change direction a little bit. You actually need a guy who is a flexible, easygoing guy, with a strong libido who can share in the sexual decisions, and be fine with that. There’s always tomorrow in his cheerful mind, and he’s not a sulker.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My boyfriend sometimes has things I know he can’t afford. I’m afraid to ask how he got them. A good friend warned me not to be around him, but then he wouldn’t tell me why.

How can I tell this sweet guy I suspect he’s getting things dishonestly?

— Don’t Want to Know, West End

Dear Don’t Want to Know: He may be a sweet guy but you could accidentally be involved in a crime.

In my 20s I had a boyfriend — sweet and handsome — who asked me to drive him somewhere. He asked me to turn at a lane behind some stores. Part way down the lane, he said “Stop for a minute.” Then he reached into his jacket, got out of the car and handed a waiting guy a package.

I thought: “That must be drugs!” I took off, and left them both in the lane. I didn’t care what story he was going to give me. I didn’t want to be involved in a crime.

That’s not to say your boyfriend is selling drugs, but you already know something isn’t adding up financially, so tell him goodbye and stick to it.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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