Settling for ‘crumbs’ of affection demeans you

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This article was published 16/04/2022 (1651 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Something crazy happened to me in the past two years of this pandemic. As a newly-divorced woman from a guy who turned mean, I got interested in women. I was just fooling around at first, but then I met a woman and fell in love.

It’s turning into a disaster. The problem is she has little kids and a husband. I guess that makes me redundant. She told me she loved me at Christmas, but has since told me she’s staying with her husband and “that was never in question.” She says she’ll see me when she can.

I’ve cried many tears over her. She admits she’s crazy about me, but her family is “everything” to her. In other words, she has their love — and my heart, too! I get a few stolen hours with her here and there, hiding out at my place. Do I sound bitter? I am.

My question? How can I say goodbye and walk away from someone I love so passionately?

— My Heart Is Breaking, Osborne Village

Dear Heart Is Breaking: The sad news? As much as we’d like to believe romantic love is going to last forever, it often doesn’t. That’s not to say a flash of what felt like love didn’t exist in the beginning, and it was often felt on both sides.

That’s actually the devil emotion “Infatuation” and it can rise or fall as reality sets in. When pushed to choose, your married paramour has chosen husband and family. Believe her.

Don’t hang around waiting for crumbs, or you’ll stop loving yourself — which would be a real tragedy.

The challenge for you now is to totally walk away and look for someone who is actually free to love you, past the infatuation stage.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a nice guy, but I’ve feeling angry since my father died. Why? My brothers got everything in the will — big money too.

I got left out because I left home at 16 after my father said: “You’ll always be a loser.”

I wasn’t a loser! In fact, I did very well in my own businesses — better than my lazy brothers who never went out and did anything on their own. My brothers sucked up to our tyrant of a father all his life while working for him in the family business.

My wife says I need to get over this, as it’s eating me alive. But, I ask you: Wouldn’t common decency dictate splitting the money between a man’s three sons, and at least giving a small portion to the black sheep who made it on his own?

— Bitter About Father’s Will, Brandon

Dear Bitter: Wills aren’t always about dividing money equally between siblings. It often comes down to questions like, “To whom do I actually want to give my money to?” And, in some situations like yours, “Who might spit in my face?”

You and your father had nothing much to do with each other over the years so the warmth that would inspire giving to you probably wasn’t there.

On the other hand, your father might have been secretly proud of what you accomplished on your own. Perhaps he didn’t want to insult you by giving you money from his will. You made it on your own, and that’s a big thing.

Still, it’s understandable that it hurts to see all the money split between the brothers you felt were preferred by your father.

Just don’t let it eat at you. As the famous old Billie Holiday/Arthur Herzog Jr. lyric goes, “God bless the child that’s got his own.”

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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