Put yourself first to heal from demeaning marriage

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This article was published 25/09/2022 (1429 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I wish my husband had told me he was having an affair, and that’s why he was leaving. Instead, he told me I had a problem he couldn’t fix in a million years. “You’re terminally boring!” he yelled at me, and slammed out the front door. I will never forget that phrase as long as I live.

I gave everything up of personal interest to me when I married a wealthy man. I remember he said before the wedding, like he was offering me a big gift: “You can quit your job now, and look after me!” I thought he was making a cute little joke. Ha!

We had a big, fancy wedding, with mostly his friends invited. Of course, he insisted on paying for it all, instead of letting my parents do it. My family knew hardly anybody at our wedding. That should have been a warning sign that I’d end up feeling bought and paid for — and cut off from middle-class people, like my folks.

In our marriage, my husband was very demanding. He wanted a big, perfect house, well-kept children, fancy meals and dinner parties for his friends — all without hiring outside help. He also wanted sex whenever he desired it. I felt like an unpaid servant, in fancy clothes.

Before I married that man, I used to be a singer and dancer. I painted water colours, travelled to other countries with friends, and had an exciting job and life. My husband seemed quite fascinated by my independence and happiness. Then he systematically set about killing it all off.

I’ll get a fair settlement as I have a good divorce lawyer, thanks to my family. They are right by my side again. I’m living at my brother’s house for now as my ex-husband is scared of him, for good reason. My kids are out of province at universities this year.

But what about me? How do I regain my lost self? I feel robbed of my identity after giving 20 years of service?

— Robbed of Identity, Sage Creek

Dear Robbed: When a plant is wilting and in bad shape, but still has lively roots, it can be saved. You need to re-plant yourself in fertile soil now, so you can start growing back stronger. You’ll probably want some psychological help and support to build back your self-confidence after 20 years of “servitude.” Now, is the time to dig into that and work hard.

No matter what you end up doing work-wise, consider taking singing, dancing and painting lessons this year, to regrow your special talents and meet like-minded people. You need the nourishment of new friends. Now you’re free to choose good people to surround yourself with.

Because your ex is a bully, you’re wise to live with family. That way, your ex will not feel free to come calling to try to make you miserable. Protect yourself, and good luck in your new life!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Our teenage kids found out that some weekends we don’t really go to the lake to work on the cabin. Instead, we sometimes check in at a nice downtown hotel, get pampered and have fun. My oldest son figured out what was really happening from a receipt he found in his dad’s car. He’s not stupid; he realized there was hanky-panky going on.

He was shocked and disgusted with us, his parents! We didn’t know how to explain it. What would you say?

— Caught and Embarrassed, Westwood

Dear Caught: Here’s a little script for you: “We’re sorry we didn’t tell you where we really were. Sometimes we just like to get away and have a romantic time without explaining too much. Someday you’ll want to spend a romantic weekend with your sweetie and you won’t want to give us the details. But from now on, let’s have an agreement to always say where we’ll be staying and be reachable by phone, in an emergency.”

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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