Sexual lull very common complication for new parents

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This article was published 01/10/2022 (1422 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I have an awful admission to make. I’m finding my wife unattractive. I feel terribly guilty, but since we had two babies in two years, I just don’t have the same feelings of romance or attraction. I’ve heard about this sort of situation, and all the men who admit to it online get berated.

The other night she tried to seduce me, and I just didn’t feel anything at all — emotionally or sexually — except I knew I had to fantasize like crazy and “do it.” Is it all over for me? How do I even tell her something like that? Do I lie instead? What do I do?

— Guilty Husband, Transcona

Dear Guilty Husband: Telling hard truths about lack of sexual attraction to a recently pregnant wife, with two of your babies in her arms, is a bad idea indeed! You can never take back these criticisms once they leave your mouth, even if the situation changes — and it usually does.

In marriages where babies come close together, lots of women feel the way you do — a “yuck” reaction to their partner’s sexual advances. The difference? They’re pretty sure it’s going to pass, so they fake it, until that time comes. That’s what you gave her the other night — not much fun.

Talk to your wife about your lack of sexual arousal. Both of you are probably exhausted. Maybe she’d be fine without any sex for a while, truth be told. That might be good for you, too.

If that talk goes south, a counsellor could help you deal with your new negative perception of your wife. Once the counsellor helps you find a way to talk to your wife, without blowing up the marriage and family, there will be hope again.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband is still talking to his ex! When we first started dating, he told me they were “just friends” and I was wary. Now I find out he recently lied about visiting her. He told me he was going to see his buddies. A friend of mine mentioned she saw him at Starbucks with this very woman.

After I brought it up, he got mad and said he lied because he thought I would just be mad. My gut tells me something more is happening. Is there?

— Suspicious Mind, St James

Dear Suspicious Mind: It isn’t surprising to your man that you’re upset. He knows why he’s in trouble, so he’s trying to take the offensive.

This woman at the coffee shop is not a regular friend. The two of them used to sleep together and still care enough to spend time together. Maybe they even still love each other a little bit, or a lot.

One of the traditional marriage vows contains the phrase “forsaking all others.” Forsaking means to abandon, without intending to return. Your husband has been returning to this woman, with secret meetings, and he isn’t sorry.

Luckily, he seems to be seeing this ex in public at this point, not in secret. But staying out of bed isn’t the same as staying out of each other’s hearts. It’s time for some marriage counselling — together or apart. Don’t wait for him to agree to it.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My mother the grandstander, now in her 70s, has taken to wearing “widow’s weeds” in memory of her second husband.

She is suddenly wearing all-black every day, and a fake red rose on her lapel. She does it so people will ask about her loss. He’s been gone for four years now! For the first three, she didn’t seem to notice his passing.

He was no great shakes as a husband, whereas my father treated her like gold. Dad gets no mention at all now, and they were married for decades.

This widow act is just a way to get sympathy. Last week she even ditched her silver hair for jet-black. I can’t stand the whole act! I want to challenge her on this nonsense, but my husband is begging me not to.

— Black Widow’s Daughter, Winnipeg

Dear Daughter: Let’s say you challenge your her on her rerun with the grieving. Then a nasty fight ensues, she starts crying and the two of you stop talking for a long time.

A better plan is to get her connected to a bunch of fun people around her age, who do all kinds of activities together.

The Manitoba Association of Seniors Communities (MASC) has seniors’ centres all over the province — many in Winnipeg.

She could get involved in anything from sports to arts to games, discussions and field trips. On top of that, they offer information on a variety of services for seniors to improve quality of life. Take Mama to her first activities. You can look MASC up online, or call 211 with your questions.

My guess is your mother will soon drop the mourning act in favour of fun with new friends. She might even be happy and grateful to you, which would be a welcome feeling for both of you.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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