No weakness in reaching out for help

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 10/12/2022 (1389 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’ve never been good with emotions, as my mom died and my dad raised me and my sisters to be tough in many different ways. Well, so much for that! Dad recently passed away, and now I’m finding myself breaking down at work, home and the grocery store. When Dad went, so did my ability to be tough.

I’ve always thought therapy was stupid, but I’m starting to wonder. I could get some counselling through work insurance but how embarrassing is it to be breaking over this, at my age? Everybody else loses people to death and I’m far from being a baby at 28. I feel embarrassed. What should I do?

— Not Tough Enough, Charleswood

Dear Not Tough Enough: Your dad was your rock. He was the big parental unit — a two-in-one deal. He was your sole protector, and your backup strength. You’re having an understandable reaction to this situation. That does not make you a baby, but you may feel like an orphan just now.

This is definitely the time to reach out for support other people turn to — like grief counselling. If you’re thinking of counselling as a crutch, be aware that great athletes are thankful for crutches to help them walk so they can heal up. That also includes tending to their mental health, which is no longer the taboo it once was, even in pro sports.

Honour your loss with the best help you can find, so you can emerge from grieving feeling stronger. Say to yourself: “I’m wounded and going to get the best help I can find.” Talk to the person at work who can connect you with help through your work insurance. That will not make you look weak.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Our daughter just broke up with her first serious boyfriend. She’s in Grade 9 and our hearts are broken, too. The boy she was dating in Grade 11 was obviously an idiot, but we love her so much, and watching her go through this terrible emotional pain for the first time is so hard for us. Her crying is killing us!

What can we do to be there for her? Everything is different with girls. We have an older boy who’s had several girlfriends, but nothing really serious. He has jokingly offered to beat the guy up. He tells his sister, “High school guys are all idiots.” He should know. All we need now in the family is an assault charge!

— Mama and Papa Bear Hurting, St. James

Dear Hurting: A breakup can hurt a tenderhearted young woman for weeks or even months — particularly if she sees the guy at school, or runs into him everywhere at parties and events. The best thing anyone ever said to me in high school after a breakup was, “He wasn’t the right guy for you, but the right guy is coming. You won’t recognize him until you get over this one!”

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Whenever I start getting mad at my young wife, she pours us two stiff drinks, takes me to bed, and makes me laugh and forget about the problem. She wins every fight, and they are mostly about how much money she spends compared to how much money she makes. I’m basically subsidizing her lifestyle, and she is addicted to shopping. We got married on the agreement that we’d have separate money, and we make approximately the same amount per month as teachers.

It recently came up that I think we can’t afford to have children because we’re down to the wire financially, every single month.

What happens when we have kids to feed and clothe, and she’s on maternity leave and then working half-time or perhaps no time, but she’s still shopping like she’s loaded with cash?

— Need Help With Big Spender, West Kildonan

Dear Need Help: Insist on being in charge of paying the bills — and collecting her half of your regular living expenses on her paydays. There will still be a fair amount left, and that’s hers to spend, but at least you have the necessary expenses covered.

Once you start a family, both the money she brings in and her available shopping time will drop dramatically. Shopping for herself will not be as big a priority. You can contribute to the happiness in this period of your lives by giving up on the 50-50 money idea. Yes, you should still be the major caretaker of the household money, but never the caretaker of all your wife’s money. That’s a power imbalance that will come back to bite you.

Send questions to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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