Don’t let so-called friend’s shock snub scuttle trip

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 13/12/2022 (1338 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I went to Mexico on a quick trip with my best friend recently, for the purpose of sussing out a holiday spot for a month in February or March. We found a couple of really pretty places. I came home excited, expecting we’d book our trip, and plan to go back together.

Then she called and said, “I’m sorry but I don’t think I could live with you for a month or more — but I’m still going.” She talked like she owned the place. I’m so hurt by what she said, but I still want to go.

I wonder if it would be mistake to try to find a tiny place just for me, and go anyway. I know quite a few people in that little Mexican village by the sea. Should I go, or stay home?

— Hurt Feelings, St. Vital

Dear Hurt Feelings: Of course you should go! Someday, you’ll look back on this friend’s confession as a blessing. You got the truth before you were stuck down there together and unhappy. You’re hurt and embarrassed now, but you may love having your own little place! Besides, if you meet somebody you like down there, you can invite them over and have some privacy.

Your best friend will no doubt drift back after a week or so down there, and you can spend as little or as much time with her as you please!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m from a Latino family background, and racism is something we have dealt with all our lives. I thought my boyfriend was different. What is with the “n-word,” which seems to be coming into style online and on social media, and not between two Black guys teasing each other?

I overheard my new white boyfriend using it while playing video games in his bedroom. He followed it up with some truly vile stuff that has me rethinking our entire relationship. Do people say things they don’t mean, or is he prejudiced, but making a big exception for me?

— Hurting and Grossed Out, Osborne Village

Dear Hurting: Don’t make excuses to yourself for this boyfriend! You’ve now heard who he really is. He seems to think it’s OK for him to use these vile slurs, which shows he has no respect for people of colour, although he’s making an exception to date you at the moment. He has a foul mouth and a nasty side, and it’s coming out now.

It’s not hard to imagine what he’d say to you if you fought with him and rejected him. So, I’d say you need to say goodbye — and do it by phone if possible, so you can hang up when he turns nasty.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I found out my husband had been sending inappropriate messages to young women around our daughter’s age. These are girls in their early 20s, and my husband is in his late 40s. What he did isn’t illegal, but I refuse to speak to him, and of course I don’t want to have sex with him anymore. He’s been staying in the guest bedroom. He phones from work, begging me to talk to him again.

I just can’t. He wants women our daughter’s age! Last year he kept commenting on her girlfriends by our pool in their skimpy bikinis. He was always out at that pool — watching them over his newspaper. His excuse for being there? They’re not strong swimmers and need supervision, and he used to be a lifeguard. That was 30 years and 40 pounds ago!

Why are men like this? I’m seriously thinking about divorcing him. If it was an online flirtation with another woman of his age, I could imagine trying to save things, but this is sick! Am I going too far and “over-reacting” as he says?

— Divorcee to Be? Tuxedo

Dear Divorcee to Be: You need to know what your husband’s been doing with the young women he’s been flirting with. You’re living with a lot of guesswork. Has he met with any of them? Is he emotionally involved with anybody? Is he pretending to be younger and sending outdated photos?

A relationship counsellor will know exactly what questions to ask of both of you, including his reasons for straying. Have you two been drifting apart? Did he feel rejected emotionally or sexually? Bottom line: Do you still love him underneath your hurt? In counselling, you will gain insight on what you want, and so will he. It may be renewed closeness, and it may not.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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