Try to embrace one another’s desire for change

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This article was published 12/12/2022 (1341 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Is it bad to hate your work? Because I do. I chose my field, trained for it and spent almost 10 years at it. Now I dread going to work, and it’s playing havoc with my health — physical and otherwise. I know what I’d rather do: be a nurse.

My wife laughed at me when I told her. She’s a nurse and she hates it, after so much COVID. I have nothing but admiration for her and her fellow nurses, but she laughs bitterly.

In fact, she laughs at anything positive I say, calls me “Pollyanna” and generally takes her anger out on me. I’m starting to wonder if I should leave, because her negativity is holding me down and making me feel depressed. What do you think?

— Male Nurse One Day? Wolseley

Dear Nurse One Day: Perhaps your wife feels guilty about wanting to quit nursing, and wants you to encourage her to stop. It sounds like she really needs a break — at least until she recovers her spirit, or maybe forever. Instead, you’re taking the opposite attitude to nursing for yourself, and want to jump into her profession.

Maybe you could say, “I do understand. You’ve worked hard and done your stint and it’s time you found a new job that’s a different kind of challenge.” Then you’ll have to add, “But I want to get into a medical profession now, and I’m hoping you can stop being negative, and support my choice.”

Fair is fair, but she may not see it that way!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My third wife, who was very subtle and waited a few years before she made her dirty moves, turned out to be the worst bully of my trio of wives, who were just after my money. She confused me. She was so sweet to me for so long, and then she turned mean and cruel.

I now see I was her “long-range target.” I’m an easygoing, kind-hearted man, who earned his wealth in early middle age. I totally let my guard down with No. 3, after I stopped being worried and suspicious.

I’m a country guy who went to university and turned out to have a head for business. Becoming a wealthy man was not my main goal, so I ran with two circles — one with others who had wealth, and old friends from growing up years, who were not wealthy — and was perfectly fine with that.

Every woman I married walked away with a lot of money! That makes me angry, but I still have a lot more money than I’ll ever need. Still, it hurt me emotionally to be told I was loved, and then find out that once again the “love” was for my money.

My purpose in writing you is this: What kind of woman should I try for? I’m a lonely and distrustful man right now, but that is not my real nature and I long for real love with a good woman.

— Three-Time Loser at Love, southern Manitoba

Dear Three-Time Loser: You may need a partner who is already personally wealthy — maybe she owns her own business — and doesn’t need you for anything, except your love and attention.

Then again, you might do well with the type of person who is devoted to helping the less fortunate. They’re on the front lines — people with big hearts, who don’t care about money for themselves. If you join them in their causes, their organizations will hope for (and no doubt ask for) generous donations from you. But that’s not odious like the people who pretend to love you so they can marry you, enjoy the money, then dump you and get a huge settlement. You don’t sound like a pre-nup type!

Some wealthy people in a position like yours take some time off and go travelling the world. Some even pretend not to be rich, to see who they’ll meet and if they can find an honest love. But, what happens once the new love finds out you’ve been play-acting? That’s a giant deception right off the top, and that doesn’t bode well for honesty in the future.

Your best investment right now is to stay home, hang with your true friends and get personal counselling to help get things straightened out in your own mind and heart. It’s time to put the total focus was on you, and an expert starts teaching you ways to filter out the phonies.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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