Shoplifting shock puts paid to continued friendship

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This article was published 28/12/2022 (1339 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: While out Christmas shopping with my best friend, we ended up having a huge fight. She is suspected by some people to be light-fingered, but I never saw it myself. I always stood up for her to other friends who would hint at this. She has no need to shoplift, as she makes plenty of money, and I’d never seen any evidence of her stealing anything.

Well, we spent a whole four hours together at a mall. When we got in the car, she went to show me an expensive purchase from one store, and the bill fell out — practically in my lap. I picked it up, and it only had one purchase on it, but I could see another identical expensive item in that bag!

“You only paid for one!” I said loudly. “How did that happen?”

She did a fake hands-up gesture and said, “Oops… I wonder!” in a sarcastic voice, as if asking me, “How could you be so naive?”

Suddenly I knew, and said, “You shoplifted that — take it back!” She said, “No way. That store charges ridiculous prices, and makes so much money they’ll never miss it.”

I didn’t trust myself to speak. I drove her home in a furious mood, not saying a word. We got to her place and I blew sky-high. “Get out of my car!” I yelled.

We haven’t spoken since. My other friends were right all along. How long has she been stealing when she’s with me? What should I do now?

—Duped by My Best Friend, Winnipeg

Dear Duped: Some friendships come to an end over dishonesty, and this one’s kaput! You certainly don’t owe your ex-friend an apology for blowing up, plus you don’t want to risk being with her anywhere she could be stealing — and that probably means lots of places.

Shoplifters don’t limit themselves to just stores. They may also steal from restaurants (cutlery, small dishes, stemware), drugstores (medical products, makeup, perfume) and grocery stores (small food items, expensive meat). It’s not always about need, either. Some people are just addicted to the adrenaline rush.

It’s not safe to be with anyone who shoplifts, as you’ll be suspected as an accomplice when they get caught. Some shoplifters find it easier to work with a buddy and will use a friend who’s in on it — or even an innocent, like you.

One thing you might do is apologize to the people who tried to warn you. You don’t need to give the details of your own experience, but you can say, “I’m sorry I doubted you. I know now, and I really hope you never thought I was in cahoots with her.”

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m being a bit of a slouch. I love the holiday season, but this year I’m having a hard time keeping my chin up, because of the intensity of others’ mental health issues. I’m normally a loving, listening ear to my friends and family, who struggle with depression and anxiety.

This year, while trying to stay jolly after an excessively stressful year in my draining job, I’m finding it hard to give any of the “grumpy” folks in my life the time of day. With relatives threatening to derail a joyful holiday celebration on both my husband’s and my side of our families, I find myself resenting them.

I’ve worked very hard in my health-care job this year, where I see death on an almost daily basis. How can I shift my mindset from resenting family members who lack insight into how bad things actually are for me, so I can refill my cup with some happiness and joy over the holidays?

I know mental health issues are real, and I know it’s not as easy as “cheering up,” but I don’t think I need to be pulled down into despair in order to validate their experiences, do I? How can I lovingly tell these folks to give me a break from their sadness?

—Burnt-Out Christmas Light, St. Boniface

Dear Burnt-Out: The best way to even things up is to take a complaining relative’s arm and say, “I’d be glad to listen to you, but first I need to unburden some of my load.” Then, sit down and tell what you can about what you’re going through on a daily (and nightly) basis. Of course, you can’t give identifying details on specific cases, but tell them about the emotions and the fatigue you experience, and let go of a few tears if they come.

You will be surprised how many “sad sacks” lighten up, and offer their shoulders. So, feel free to take time off from being the sympathetic beacon of hope in your family. People need to know you’re vulnerable, too, and can’t carry everybody else’s load if nobody helps you with yours.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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