Enlist grandkids for some spirited holiday cleanup

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This article was published 02/01/2023 (1371 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m a grandfather and I love my family, but the holidays this year felt like my wife and I spent a lot of time and effort — only to have family take advantage. We celebrate Hanukkah, and this is a special time for us to be together with our children and their children, but when we host the dinner and do most of the cooking, they up and leave, without even offering to clean up and help with dishes.

They said thank you for the dinners, but we are older now, and I wish they’d consider how it feels to clean up on big nights, for this many people. Being the head of the family and having everyone in my home feels right, but at the end of the night, I feel sort of empty.

My wife, who is much stronger than me, just carries on and doesn’t say a word unless I pry, and I do pry, so I know she shares my feelings. How can we bring up this topic without hurting feelings? Some of my children can be firecrackers from time to time!

— Disgruntled Grandfather, River Heights

Dear Disgruntled: You could announce cheerfully after dinner, like it’s a brilliant new idea: “Tonight Grandpa and the grandkids are going to clean up, so the adults can put their feet up. Grandma’s been working for days, so come on kids!” Then turn on some music, get the kids in the kitchen and have fun with it.

Some of the parents might feel guilted into coming to help, but shoo them away! “We’ve got this under control, haven’t we, team?” is what you say to the grandkids. This could become a fun thing to do at other dinners, too. But you have to keep the kids busy by giving out little jobs to each, and keep things light and fun. If you have an dishwasher, they can still help load it, put things away and wash other cookware that has to be done by hand. It could be the start of a fun new holiday tradition!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I feel terrible, but I accidentally called my mom the B-word on Christmas Eve. I just got so mad at her, I lost my cool. She was over wrapping gifts with me, and “helping” me with the kids. Her idea, not mine!

I have a young family and she is always trying to tell me I’m doing things wrong in handling them, and she guilts me into doing things her way by saying, “Your kids will be the ones who suffer.”

When I swore at her, she immediately began crying and ran out of the room. I followed her and asked her why she always has to act like a B-word when talking to me about my children. She has always been a narcissist and my childhood was very difficult because of that.

I told myself I wouldn’t let her do that to my kids. Now I am the one feeling guilty. What’s next?

—Young Mom of a Young Family, Fort Garry

Dear Mom: Narcissists are insecure people who put on a dominant front they’ve come to believe in. You’ve had your fill of Mom telling you how to do everything her way, and now you’re a full-grown adult with kids. While swearing at your mother ends up making you feel bad, you do need to stand up to her to protect yourself and your kids from her pushy advice and behaviour.

Cut any unhappy visits short by saying,“Well, we’ve had a good time up to now, but it’s time to say goodbye for today, and we’ll see you again soon.” That way you don’t end the relationship, but you do end the visit. It’s OK if it’s a tad abrupt. You’re the boss of yourself and your kids now, and your narcissistic mom needs to get that message.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My son has been bugging me to work more to earn more money, and while I know it’s normal for kids to want things, I just wish he’d be a kid for a bit longer. He’s only 14, but he’s already a big guy and he shovels walks in the winter and cuts grass the rest of the year.

I see him busting his hump, and while it makes me proud he’s responsible and motivated, I can’t help but feel like he’s missing out on some of the most fun days of his life. I’ve routinely seen him turn down other kids’ offers to hang out, so he can work. Am I overthinking this?

— Time Flies, Garden City

Dear Time Flies: You’re a good dad for actually thinking about it! Have you asked your son, “How do you feel about working so hard? Do you wish you had more time to relax with friends?” You might be surprised at the answer. He might actually prefer working, much of the time.

He might be a strong kid with a lot of pent-up energy in that growing body of his that needs to go somewhere. Also, he may enjoy stacking up money to save, or to buy cool stuff. And, consider this: He might not have the greatest friends. They may be getting into stuff he doesn’t want to get into, and working is a great escape for him.

This is a chance to really talk with your son about work and possible careers. Is he perhaps a budding entrepreneur? If not, does he already know what he may want to do for education and training after high school? If he does think he knows, that might be part of what’s driving him to work hard and earn lots of money.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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