Get partner on same page to ease post-work stress

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This article was published 04/01/2023 (1366 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My nursing job requires me to work very long hours — shift work, at a very busy place. When I finish work, I’m tired and stressed out. Sometimes I’ve witnessed something tragic or life-changing for a patient. Needless to say, I’m not always in the mood for “loving” when I finally get home.

My husband works from home, and has a low-stress job. He doesn’t understand how my work day is the polar opposite of his. When I finally get home, he often wants to have sex! Since the pandemic, that’s been difficult for me. The last thing I want to do is be intimate! I’m overworked and overtired and the love-and-affection feeling aren’t there for me.

He recently told me it was hurting his feelings “majorly.” On some level I get it, but he doesn’t get my situation on any level! He says, “You’re off work, so relax and enjoy life with me for a few hours!” And he likes to point out we have no kids to look after. So what!? How do I get through to him that I’m bagged, physically and emotionally?

— Working Overtime, All the Time, south Winnipeg

Dear Working Overtime: Tell your husband you’re going to conduct a new experiment with “decompressing” when you first get home. You’re not going to greet him anymore with a “how it went at the hospital” discussion. Instead, you’re going to kiss him, and say a quick hello. Then you’ll get into a warm bath with relaxing music, to reset yourself from that hospital feeling. Next, you’ll eat something light, and take a nap.

When you get up feeling refreshed, you’ll seek him out and initiate a conversation about his life, and what he’s been doing — the lighter stuff you’d chat about with a friend. The point is to keep the heavy topics down to a minimum for a while. You could also do something together like watching a movie, playing a game or going for a walk — the sorts of things that won’t rob you of your renewed energy.

The point is to relax and ease into feeling sensual again together. It may not spark a hot and wild desire at first, but even a warm and sexy feeling between you would be an improvement.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I did a stupid thing and kissed a co-worker, who’s married. I did it after having a big talk with her in the parking lot in my truck (already dark) before going home a few days ago. She was very much into it, but now I realize I don’t want to go down that road.

Last night, we left work at the same time again. She wanted to join me in my truck, and I made excuses. She’d been staring at me at work all day, looking hurt. How can I break this off in a way that doesn’t make it weird to be at work with her?

We’re both attracted, so a lot of men might say, “Why not?” but there are a lot of secrets in our industry, and I have a few I’m sure she’d like to know. I need to call a halt.

— Mistakes Were Made, Maples

Dear Mistakes Were Made: You need to say a very committed “no,” and whatever you do, don’t let her back in your dark truck for a discussion. All you say in the parking lot is: “I can’t do this, and we both know the reasons why.” She won’t like it, but as long as you don’t weaken, her desire may slowly recede.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My mom and dad are “on the outs” since Christmas, and it’s a big-time conflict now. They have always bickered. I don’t know what exactly happened this time, as they have conflicting stories, but my dad is staying at his brother’s place right now.

Both my parents are texting me when I’m at work. I have received numerous messages about how much they both can’t stand each other, and how the other person is in the wrong. I don’t want any part of this, but I also don’t want them to get divorced. Please help!

—Stuck in the Middle, Wolseley

Dear Stuck: You can stop your parents texting you at work by saying firmly that you can’t concentrate at work anymore, and you’re fearful of losing your job. Tell them you want them to see a relationship counsellor, ASAP, because you can’t help them. That is actually your best hope for keeping them together.

You’re probably not being told the whole story, because one or both of your parents may have done something you wouldn’t approve of — like cheating. That’s for the ears of a trained counsellor — to get at the real story and the upsetting details, and then try to work things out between them.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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