Lay down some boundaries with desperate ex

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 14/01/2023 (1062 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My old boyfriend has just been “released” from his live-in relationship, so he says. What does that mean? It’s more like he was kicked out, I’m thinking. He arrived on my apartment doorstep looking for “a place to sleep” a few nights ago. It was late, and I was alone and lonely — as usual.

I foolishly let him in. Like a good friend would, I gave him a pillow, a warm blanket for the couch and something to eat. But his big brown eyes said he wanted something else! Who was I to say no, when I was so lonely and there he was, the former love of my life? The sex was great, but now he thinks we’re back together.

We’re not! Admittedly he has learned a few things and is much easier to get along with, but I don’t really want him back. I lost a lot of feelings for him in the breakup.

Today I came home from work and he was still here! I must have looked alarmed because he said, “Oh, I see you’re upset. I thought you wanted me.” Then he begged: “Please just let me stay for a month, until I find somewhere else.” I saw there were tears in his eyes.

I’m a sucker for tears and I did love him passionately at one time, but he left me for another girl.

I must admit I caved and am letting him stay for a while, but I feel sick to my stomach about it now. I need out of this. He has a job, but not much money saved.

— Stupid Softy, South St. Vital

Dear Softy: Softhearted people sometimes get taken for a ride, especially if big tears and great sex are part of the persuasion technique. You don’t have to be mean, but you do need your privacy back soon, so shift this ex-boyfriend back to the couch, which is less comfortable and not as sexy as your bed. You need to make sure one month doesn’t stretch into three. Then, actively help him look for new digs — even driving around with him to keep the search active. Also, talk to him about a different temporary place to bunk, maybe with friends of his, his parents or other relatives.

If you need to get tough, remind him your relationship was over in 2022 (his idea), and you want to find a new relationship in 2023 (your idea), but you’re giving him a couple of weeks to find a new place to stay. It can be lethally-cold outside in January, as we all know, and that’s not a safe option for anyone.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’ve always strived to be the best at everything I do. However, my need for perfection has started to consume my life, and it’s causing me much stress and anxiety. I’m constantly worried about making mistakes and falling short of my own high expectations.

I know this mindset is not healthy, but I don’t know how to let go of it. Do you have any advice for learning to be more accepting of myself and my limitations? I know perfection is unattainable, but I really struggle to remember that fact.

— Sadly Alone, St. Norbert

Dear Sadly Alone: The question to ask yourself is this: What will happen if I don’t do something perfectly? If it’s an important work project with safety concerns, it might mean trouble. But, if it’s a personal project, and you’re toiling away at it, say out loud: “No one but me really cares about the outcome of this, so I can safely relax.”

If you want friends and sweethearts to feel more comfortable around you, the trick is to be less perfect, and also to stop expecting that from them. People generally feel more attracted to an easygoing person, and perfectionism just gets on their nerves.

Digging into the underlying causes of your particular perfectionism may require professional help from a psychiatrist, psychologist or a good counsellor. Once you understand the sources of your feeling — often demanding parents, teachers, religious leaders, coaches or teammates — you can learn to let enough of it go to make a noticeable difference. That can be a great relief for you — and everybody around you.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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