Biological shocker calls out for investigation
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DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: At a big family party, my favourite old aunt led me to a little sofa in a winter sunroom, and told me a family secret she wanted me to hear, before she died. My mother, who is already gone, had an “affair” and a baby boy.
My aunt refused to tell me the name of the father, so I asked what year Mom had that baby, thinking she was a teenager. She said, “Oh, I couldn’t tell you that, of all people!” I was stunned. Why not tell me? I pushed her harder — and she finally told me the year that baby was born. It was my birth year!
She still wouldn’t name my real father. I’m wondering every single day now. I don’t look like my older brothers, and they looked like the man we all knew as Dad. I came well after the others. “Dad” never seemed to want anything much to do with me. I was definitely a mama’s boy; I had to be. He’s dead now, too. My mind is full of questions: Who is my real father? What can I do to find out? Is he still alive?
Should I go back to my aunt and push for details, or would that just be punishing myself and getting her in trouble?
— Many Sleepless Nights, North End
Dear Sleepless: Stewing over this for the rest of your life is going to cost you more emotionally than finding out the true identity of your biological father. Pay your aunt a visit, and bring her a surprisingly positive attitude. Tell her you appreciated finally learning the truth about your birth and wish someone had shown courage and told you earlier. Ask her what all she remembers about those days, and assure her you’re way past being “too young to know.”
Add that you always felt you were treated differently by your father and didn’t understand why — until now. Then ask her to tell you all she knows about your bio-dad. Be prepared for this: Your bio-father may be someone you know, and he may still be alive. Then you have other important decisions to make.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My boyfriend’s back from “living away” for work for a year. During that period, were both free to date other people — his big idea. He was refusing to be shackled by me — a girl at home waiting for him. I reluctantly gave him his freedom, and he happily gave me mine.
Our last night before he left was one of passion, and hidden tears on my part. I wanted to give him a night he’d not soon forget. Then he left, and the loneliness came to grab me by the neck. That was followed by suspicion, and then anger. I definitely did some revenge-dating while he was gone, and I’m not one bit sorry.
He did the opposite. He met almost no one when he was away working, and phoned me a lot. I told him not to come home for short visits, as our last goodbye was too hard on me. In the end, he was very anxious to get home to little old me. When I finally laid eyes on him, I was disappointed — it showed, and he felt it.
Miss L., I don’t have another guy, but I do not want to be back with him. He has the nerve to be shocked by that. How do I tell him goodbye, when he says he loves me so much now?
— Fell Right Out of Love, St. James
Dear Fell Right Out: You initially faced a long time alone without Mr. World Adventure, who expected to have many romantic experiences without you. Understandably, your fire for him burned out. That’s the chance he consciously took. Sadly for him, his time away turned out to be an empty experience. Tell him one last time what you went through, and how your mind and heart reacted, and then set both of yourselves free.
Please send your questions and comments to firstname.lastname@example.org or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.
Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.