Two-timing hubby’s derision demands action

Opinion

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’ve been sleeping beside my husband, without sex or even affection, for months now. This man, who was so hungry for sex all our marriage, now acts like he has no appetite for it. I asked him last night — after he refused my attempts to make love with him again — if there was something wrong, and if he wasn’t feeling well sexually.

He said to me in a smug voice, “I’ve never felt better in my life!” In that moment, the part of me that’s his wife and mother of our three kids heard all the alarm bells start ringing. I went and cried in another room. He didn’t come to comfort me.

Today, it feels like the ice is shifting under my feet and I’m about to fall in. Who is my husband seeing for sex? Why is he being true to her, and pushing me away? I actually think I know who it is. In recent months, somebody phones his cell, and he looks at it and hangs up after one ring. A week or so ago that happened again in the truck — and I grabbed his phone and had a look at it. He snatched it back from me, and hit the “cancel” button.

I refused to think the worst of him then, and tried to forget it, but now I’ve talked to different friends who’ve told me what they’ve heard about his activities. Apparently, the rumour’s out that he has a girlfriend. I just don’t know what to do. We have a home and children together. I have loved this man, and I sacrificed my career and gave him three beautiful children. Now some little witch is after my husband. Help me, please!

— Lost for Words, northern Manitoba

Dear Lost: Part of the reason your husband made this smart-aleck comment is because he’s been getting away with this affair. He’s feeling pumped up by having this woman waiting in the wings. She may think he’s wonderful, and he may think he can afford to lose you.

You may not want to bother fighting to keep your husband once you find out the depth of his deception. On your side, it’s not like you were an uncaring and unwilling love partner. Quickly get advice from a lawyer and an experienced relationship counsellor, rather than from angry family members. Once you know what you want to do, talk to your husband when the kids are staying overnight elsewhere.

Even if your husband apologizes and promises to re-dedicate himself to your marriage, you’ll need a backup plan from now on. He may not want to play the role of repentant spouse for long, when he can be with a new partner who seems to think he’s just perfect!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I caught sight of my 63-year-old mother looking at her new husband last week when we were all sitting around the fireplace. She lost my dad quite a few years ago, and finally remarried this winter. She’s obviously so in love with her new husband — she adores him! I never saw her looking at my father adoringly, and they were together a long time. That hurts.

I was so bothered by the scene I asked Mom about it the next day, and she said: “Because that’s not the kind of love your father and I had. We were kids when we got married, and then we had you kids. We struggled and we were tired, but we were great partners. I did love your father.” Then she unfortunately added: “In my new marriage, we have time to adore each other.” Was that a good enough explanation? It left me feeling sad for my dad.

— Sad for Dad, River Heights

Dear Sad: Your mom and dad may not have had time to be looking at each other adoringly in front of a fireplace, but you can bet there were times when they felt that feeling. For instance, when they stood at the altar, all dressed up and getting married, and also when they held their beautiful young children in their arms — they no doubt felt great tenderness and admiration for each other.

Don’t worry. There were probably many more special moments when you were probably too young, or too wrapped up in activities you were doing, to notice the loving looks that passed between your mom and dad — but they did.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.