You’d be a fool not to add some romance to prank

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 01/04/2023 (1253 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Whenever April Fool’s Day rolls around, my crazy wife plays silly tricks on me, and she gets me every time. I’m so stunned in the mornings, I fall for them. “D’oh!” as Homer Simpson would say.

This year I want to play a cute trick on her, to fool her back, something to do with her movie-star crush on Johnny Depp. (She calls him “J.D.”). I’m not jealous of him — I have her in my life, and he doesn’t! What do you suggest?

— Her Real-Life Love, Transcona

Dear Real-Life Love: Bring home a bouquet of flowers, and her favourite takeout. Cue the romantic music on your phone and pretend you just found those flowers on the doorstep. Give her a big card with a message from “J.D.” signed in a big, showy movie-star hand. Then kiss her and say “April Fool’s, Sweetheart. I’m more fun than Johnny!” Good luck Mr. Romance!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My partner and I have been together for four years, but now it feels like I’m alone and free-falling from a dark sky. We used to talk about getting married and starting a family — two long years ago. Now, whenever I bring it up, he goes sour and says, “Change the subject!” as though it’s not cool and in bad taste.

By the way, he used to have a big sexual appetite, but now we’re hardly intimate — unless I beg for it, and he gives in. The weirdest part is we don’t really fight either. What’s going on? My biological clock is ticking and I need to find someone who wants a family and a loving relationship.

— Sad and Lonely, Fort Richmond

Dear Sad and Lonely: Pay closer attention to the bad taste in your mouth. Your mind and body are sending you important messages! This guy has been giving you big hints you’re not taking. For instance? You know he has a big sexual appetite. Either he’s taking his needs elsewhere and doesn’t need your attention anymore, or he may not be cheating, but he’s decided he’s finished with you and is freezing you out.

The reason he doesn’t fight over issues anymore is he doesn’t care enough to expend the energy to disagree. Besides, the last thing he wants is to work things out and make up. So, do the breaking up yourself. Tell him goodbye as briefly as you can. He already knows he’s treating you poorly. Just get mad for your own sake, and tell him off in person, by phone or in a letter.

Then stand up taller than you have for a long time. Spring is in the air, and you are one-of-a-kind. Have fun and heal with your friends. Then start looking for a new sweetheart.

The good news is it only takes one great person to be your partner, to love you as you love them and to start a family. The deck is stacked in your favour, but you must do your part, as the bio-clock ticks on. You must actively look, and then discard poor choices immediately.

Lonelyhearts Club: What are your thoughts on this letter from Sad and Lonely? Have you been in a similar situation? What advice would you give the letter writer?

Each week, we’ll select a letter to Miss Lonelyhearts and invite readers to share their thoughts on it. Next week we’ll publish a selection of responses.

Share your thoughts on our website here. Then check our Diversions page next week to see what readers had to say.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I was married for a long time — had children, a so-so husband and two dogs who loved me. After my kids were out of the house, I learned my husband had been cheating for a long time, and we divorced.

I’ve been seeing another man for about three years now and he knows my whole story — all the details. He said he would never do what my husband did to me, but lately I’m noticing a change in him. He’s starting to show some of the behaviours my husband did — staying out later than he originally promised, and taking longer to do things, like three-hour grocery shopping trips!

Am I being paranoid? I hate that my mind goes to these places, but I have to look out for myself, don’t I?

— Suspicious, St. Norbert

Dear Suspicious: Sure, there’s a chance you’re paranoid, or you may have simply become wiser and not inclined to put up with nonsense. The trouble with telling a new partner all the details of an ex’s betrayal is that it also acts as a learning tool — especially if you admit your ex was able to fool you easily.

So, pour your new man a strong cup of coffee and brace him with this question: “Are you aware you’re doing the same things my husband did when he was cheating on me?” Watch closely to see if he startles — which is often an indication of guilt. Do not look away, even if he tries to look past you or make a study of the flooring pattern. Whether he offers you a straight answer or evasion will tell you a lot. Trust your instincts this time around.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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