Family ‘togetherness’ must have some limits

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 24/04/2023 (1257 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My grown-up family has no problem moving back home when they’re between jobs or going through broken relationships. My two “boys” are in their mid-20s, and both moved “home” after their live-in situations, but have found jobs since. COVID has eased up, so they’re going out drinking and partying again.

One asked permission to stay with us before Christmas, and got it, and then his brother showed up, after a break-up with his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day, and just moved right back into his old bedroom when I was away for work. I just didn’t know how to throw out my sad and upset son.

My husband’s younger sister, who’s been living in the basement room since her marriage broke up many months ago, is in her late 20s. So, these are not kids, but I’m cooking and cleaning for everybody, and also working full-time. My husband is not happy as we have no privacy, and he and I are paying the bills for everyone.

Prior to these “adults” moving in, I made these rules: They must buy their own groceries; do their own laundry; make their own meals; and everybody must clean up after themselves. No one listened, I guess. They just heard, “Yadda, yadda, yadda.”

Now I need everybody out of this house, to save my marriage. My husband — a shy man — spoke to me quietly last night about his feelings of being over-burdened and wanting to escape. I love this guy so much! He is the sweetest man — totally unable to turf my sons or his sister. Help me please!

— Desperately Wanting Him to Stay, Norwood

Dear Wanting: Picture your sweet husband walking out the door for good, and then phone up the three freeloaders when you can speak privately. Tell them your wonderful husband has had all he can take, and is ready to leave. Explain that they have to “get their own places now.” There is no grace period. They have one week to move out and stay with a friend or other relatives, or rent their own places.

Your last “Mama Bear” act of kindness? Look up apartment rentals online and leave the results on the kitchen table. Then, take your husband out and treat him to dinner. Tell him you’ve stopped cooking for the crew, and you are helping them move out. It will be miserable for a week or so with the freeloaders, but let it stay tense until they move out. Then you and your husband can be alone again, with your marriage in for some much-needed repairs.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a 68-year-old man with a girlfriend, also 68. Do you have any advice for senior men like me who are dating a working lady who has no money, and cannot retire? I’m retired and have savings to travel, but she can’t do so, because of her job. I feel like I’m waiting for her to join me, but that day may never come. Help!

— Waiting for the Bus, Winnipeg

Dear Waiting: That bus is not coming, and you can’t afford to carry this lady financially. But someone else will come along who can, so free her up and yourself at the same time! At 68, you are feeling you have no travel time to waste.

A happy truth for you? There are more single women than men after a certain age, so get active in sports, the arts, or volunteering for charities and neighbourhood organizations. Also, consult the websites of seniors’ organizations like the Manitoba Association of Senior Communities (manitobaseniorcommunities.ca) or Age and Opportunity Winnipeg (aosupportservices.ca) more resources on how to get out and meet people.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: In regard to the man whose wife had an online affair, that has left him struggling, I feel you did some victim-blaming. Asking what he did or didn’t give to his wife that led her to cheat is no different than asking someone what they did to make their partner physically abuse them. It’s not his fault that she cheated. Often people cheat just because they think they can get away with it. She knew going in that cheating was a deal-breaker that would end her marriage. But it didn’t.

— Victim-Blaming Not Fair Game, Winnipeg

Dear Not Fair Game: When someone is upset about the state of their marriage and stays with the one who cheated, it makes sense to ask what went wrong, on both sides. It’s not enough to quote cheating rules, and totally blame the one who strayed, unless the relationship was going well and the cheater was just greedy for more attention. In this case, there was a fleeting mention of the man’s long-term mental or emotional issues, yet his wife stayed in the end. Clarification was needed for a full understanding.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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