Reckless neighbour’s gaslighting beyond the pale

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 23/04/2023 (1220 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I walked right into my close neighbour’s house like I always do, without knocking, but this time I walked in on my neighbour and her “handyman” making out. My face showed my absolute shock! I immediately left with a feeling of disgust. I now have a secret I do not want.

This is her second marriage, and cheating ended her last one. Her current husband is a loving husband and father to her children from her first marriage. I’m sick to my stomach, knowing she’s cheating on him. And to make matters worse, she hasn’t even addressed what I saw! She’s behaving like nothing happened.

When I brought up the subject as to what I witnessed, she responded with, “You did not see anything! You’re making things up.”

I know what I saw… but now I’m questioning myself. Why would I question myself? Please help as I’m lost about what to do.

— Know What I Saw, North Kildonan

Dear Know What I Saw: You caught your friend and neighbour cheating with a man, and she knows it. Now this dishonest woman has the nerve to try to “gaslight” you — leading you to question your own reality. You know what you saw with your own two eyes!

She may have been a neighbourhood buddy, but she is definitely not trustworthy anymore. While you might not have the courage to report her directly to her husband, at least stop associating with her. You’ll want to be free of this woman, the more you think about it. This is the kind of person who would go after your husband, if she fancied him.

Talk to your doctor and ask for a referral to a psychologist, who could talk with you about this “friend” and her alarming gaslighting attempt. That behaviour was beyond nasty, and showed no respect for you.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My teenage daughter is involved with another young lady this spring, and has come out as a lesbian although she says she “still likes guys.”

Her boyfriend from last year at school was a prince of a guy — treated her like gold. She broke up with him after a whole year of claiming she “loved” him, to us. Her dad and I were relieved, because they were so “affectionate” we were seriously afraid she’d get pregnant.

My older sister, who’s a close auntie to my daughter, tells me it’s the “fashion” now, for teenage girls to say they’re bisexual even if they aren’t. So, I asked my daughter if she loved this girl the same as she loved her boyfriend last year. She looked at me, and yelled, “Of course!” and stomped out of the room.

My mouth dropped open in shock. How the heck was I supposed to react as her mother? It seems like I can’t say anything that isn’t met with raised eyebrows and “the look.”

Her dad, who has always treated his daughter like a princess, just shrugs and says, “She’ll get over it.” I think he’s just glad he doesn’t have to worry about teen pregnancy anymore.

Will she really stick with girls now, or is she just trying to be cool and shock us? She’s feisty and has always been a rebel, right from childhood.

— Upset and Confused Mom, south Winnipeg

Dear Upset: Criticizing your daughter’s choice of relationship partners is a bad idea, and guaranteed to backfire. Whether she’s dating young women or young men doesn’t really matter, compared to how she’s being treated by them. A modern parent is smart to look at personality and behaviour, not gender or race.

Say something safe like, “All your dad and I want is for you to be a with a good person who loves you as much as we do — someone who treats you well.”

You’re also asking if this is a real shift in sexual interest for your daughter, or if she’s just being rebellious. It’s too early to tell, but one thing is certain: rebelling against loving parents is generally pretty safe as it’s hard for the folks to stop loving you. It might be better to act a little surprised, so your kid doesn’t have to knock herself out to get the reaction she wants.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography