Offer bawdy boyfriend a bit of etiquette advice

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This article was published 08/09/2023 (778 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m considering marrying a wonderful man, but it’s becoming clear we come from different classes. I love him for his solid work ethic, his great kindness and his passionate love for me. But, at a family birthday recently, I overheard my snooty grandmother referring to us as “Lady and the Tramp!” I was raised to be proper with British manners, unlike my man. For instance, he seems to think jokes about bodily gases are the pinnacle of humour. I am not one of the boys!

I need him to show some class when we’re out for dinner or visiting my family, and to show respect for me. My family is not terribly impressed of late! Any ideas how I can smooth his rough edges, so everyone can see what a great person he really is?

— Embarrassed By Lack of Manners, West End

Dear Embarrassed: Tell your man you’re turned on by his warm and attractive personality, but too often lately, he spoils it with his gross comments and jokes. He’ll ask you for specifics. So, take a deep breath, and tell him he needs to leave the gross jokes behind. Let him know your family and friends need to be spared as well.

Be aware he may ask you which words you actually want him to use. Think about this ahead of time, and be prepared to suggest alternative expressions that don’t offend most people. Sometimes people just need to know what’s required in different situations, and then they can deliver.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m dating a separated guy I’m crazy about. He just got out of a long-term relationship and he has kids, but I think he’s an amazing man! I want to be around him all the time, but he’s often over at his old home. I can’t help obsessing on what happens when he’s with his ex-wife and kids.

When he’s over there, I just stay home and think about him. I’m writing you because he told me today on the phone that he wanted to “slow things down.” I was in shock, and started crying. I hung up, and immediately called my two best friends, and didn’t get much sympathy.

But then, an hour later, one of them showed up to talk to me. She said I’ve been “acting like an obsessed person” over this guy. She said I always get too wrapped up in new relationships with guys, and I should know separated men are “the worst.” She said he probably misses his kids, and maybe still wants his wife to take him back. Then she said, “He probably won’t be really free to be with you until he gets a divorce — if he ever does!”

I told her I was worried I might lose him totally, and she said, “Oh, wake up! You already have.” That was so cruel of her. Do you think she’s right?

— Hurt by Her Words, Osborne Village

Dear Hurt: There’s a big difference between a person being separated and upset, and someone being divorced and over it. This man may still secretly be hoping to work things out with his wife, and get back with her and the children. So, why was he seeing you? Maybe he needed a life raft, and you were willing to spend time with him and buoy him up.

But then, he noticed recently you’d been sitting around waiting for him when he’s not available, and that made him feel pressured. You did provide a sympathetic shoulder, a listening ear and probably some warm and enthusiastic sex, but he wasn’t feeling as emotional towards you.

Next time you meet an attractive man who’s in the throes of a breakup, ask him nicely to call you when he’s actually divorced! In the meantime you need to build a fuller life. Sign yourself up for some relationship counselling sessions this fall, and also take up a couple of activities that capture your interest — whether involving sports, the arts or social groups. Time to expand your circle of friends beyond your two unsympathetic friends!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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