Unintentional flinch gets your message across

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 09/11/2023 (1000 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I recently ran into a former friend of mine, who stole from me once when she was at our house. Talk about nerve! Today she came right up to my shoulder in the little mall near our place and tried to give me a hug. I grabbed the shoulder strap on my purse — an instinctive reaction — and she pulled back on it as I jerked it free. She yelled at my back, “I wasn’t after your freakin’ purse!”

I realize that may have been an over-reaction on my part, but what should I have done? I don’t ever want to talk to her again — not now, not in this lifetime! How am I supposed to handle her?

— Victim No More, Winnipeg

Dear Victim: Hanging on to your shoulder strap was a smart idea, even though this former friend tried to embarrass you about it. She may have walked further down the mall and said to herself, “No point in hustling her again. She’s on to me.” And that’s exactly what you want.

Of course there’s a chance she’s cleaned up her act, and it hurt her feelings that you protected yourself from her. But still, if you had an inkling she was about to slip your shoulder bag off and run, you were absolutely right to get away from her, before she did. She had no business touching that strap!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: At 32, I married the best man I’d dated in over 15 years. He was a real original — a guy who made enough money to support a family and truly loved kids! I was happy for the first nine years, while we were raising the little ones. Then, one week in late August, I suddenly realized I was bored and restless again. The kids were becoming so independent — and didn’t seem to need me as much. My husband was in a big funk about work.

I wished for some new excitement of my own. In September the universe sent me a new man — in the form of a customer. I could see he liked me, but I was “taken,” according to him. That really irked me. I told him, “Nobody owns me!”

He winked at me, and we had an understanding. I met him a few times for some fun, but then I got careless. When my husband stumbled upon some evidence, he didn’t act surprised; he just said very quietly that he had to take a “time out” to think.

Three long weeks later, he said he had a solution for us. Because of the kids, he said wouldn’t leave our home, but said he’d now be free to see other people when he’s working out of town.

I felt jealous, but said OK because I didn’t have a leg to stand on! After a few weeks of my husband being away almost every weekend, I lost interest in seeing my casual man and dropped him. Now I find myself competing for my own husband’s affection with an unknown “friend” of his!

I want him back close with me, though I know I don’t deserve him. I hate this whole mess. What should I do?

— So Messed Up, Winnipeg

Dear Messed Up: The open-marriage idea your husband pitched to you, after you got caught cheating, sounded suspiciously liberal. Either he already had another lover in his own world or he had a number of people lined up he could call and say, “Hello, I just found out I’m kind of free!”

Since you’re sincerely upset now — and missing your husband — at least try to work it out for the sake of everyone in the family. Apologize for your wrongs, and say you’d like the chance to work on creating a successful marriage. Then you need to be willing to go for relationship counselling with a knowledgeable “referee.”

If you and your husband both put more imagination and effort into both your sex life and friendship and have more fun adventures with your kids, you two might not “have it all” for some time, but you will have a lot, and the trust may come back, albeit slowly.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography