Open-marriage notion opens a can of worms

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This article was published 03/01/2024 (1003 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: The new year is going to be a time of reckoning for me. I don’t want to break up with my husband but I want to start having sex again with a certain other man.

I’m too young at 41 to have no fire in my life. My husband is a dud, but I have my secret: I met a man in November who made me laugh again.

He made me feel like my old self — happy, beautiful and sensual. He recently told me something shocking that’s keeping me awake at night — he’s going to be free after Christmas to start seeing someone other than his wife in a kind of open marriage. His bisexual wife has decided she’s missing her former female-friendly sexual lifestyle and is going to start seeing an old girlfriend, casually.

At first, he said he felt insulted and hurt — and also terrified she would leave him and take the kids with her. But that’s not what she wants, or so she says. She claims she wants to stay with him to raise the kids, and have an open marriage with safety rules.

I’m all for some rules, but I’m not sure I want a man I know from the start doesn’t really want to leave his family situation. What do you think?

— Pulled in Many Directions, River Heights

Dear Pulled: Think this over. Who has the most power and who gets the best deal in this situation? Your male interest’s wife could end up with the kids and her female lover, as well as keeping her husband. She definitely has the most power here.

Her husband comes second. He’s tense and worried because he could be in danger of losing the kids if his wife decides she wants to ditch him and cohabit with her female lover and the children. You would just be his respite from a confused life.

So, it turns out, you have the least power of all.

As for your husband, he may be onto you, but just hasn’t said anything yet.

Why not be honest and set yourself free from him? That would give you a chance to find a man who loves you, can still make love with you and doesn’t belong to anybody else.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m 63 and want to do better with the life I have left. I particularly want to lose weight and be healthy again.

Last year, I actually gained weight after another diet. I’m quite overweight and unhealthy after eating my way through the COVID years. I’m so weak-willed!

If I don’t try to do anything this year, I fear I’m headed for deep depression. I tell myself at least trying is better than suffocating in my extra pounds, so why do my resolutions always fail me?

I’m basically a decent, intelligent person, I just have no willpower. How can I change myself this year?

— Huge Backslider, West End

Dear Backslider: It’s not enough to say, “I’m going to fix my weight problem in 2024,” and then grit your teeth and say to the mirror, “This year I’ll use more willpower.” You already know that doesn’t work, but what else might?

A strong plan you actually like could do the trick. It’s a bit like building a house. You can’t do it without an expert contractor and good plans, so ask your doctor for a healthy diet to suit your particular body type and your specific health concerns.

Then set a doable goal — don’t be attracted by overly optimistic schemes. Just start building some healthy new habits, gradually, and stick with them.

For company on the project, and weekly encouragement, consider joining a weight-loss support group. Also, recruit a few friends and neighbours to go walking with you several times a week.

It could start being fun, and that’s the real secret to keeping at it long-term. Good luck!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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