Accept arrangement with mom for what it’s worth

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 06/01/2024 (953 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My mother moved in with us recently — both a blessing and a curse. My father died recently and she said she needed company and really wanted to be with me and the grandkids.

My husband and I are now happily divorced for one year, so I thought having mom as a trusted babysitter might mean I would have some freedom to start dating again. What my mom didn’t mention was she already has a boyfriend and will be staying at his place on the weekends.

That’s the time I thought she could babysit for me and I could start getting out and meeting people — and maybe even have a love/sex life again.

I asked her when she met this boyfriend of hers, and she said about a year ago like it was no big deal she was seeing a new man while my father was still alive.

I asked her if dad knew, and she said that it wouldn’t have mattered to him, anyway, since he had other women for most of their marriage.

I was shocked. My quiet, hard-working dad actually had other women? I told her I didn’t believe her, but my mom said it was true. He apparently had affairs with many women over the years, but my mom couldn’t leave because she had five kids to raise and no career.

What a letdown. I still don’t know what to think. I’m deeply upset about both my parents, even though one is dead.

And do I really need my mother living here and seeing a man when dad left her lots of money in his will and she could get her own condo?

— Shocked Daughter, Westwood

Dear Shocked: Your mother chose to protect her five children financially by staying with their father. It must have been hard on her pride, particularly if she still loved him — and she may have — even though she couldn’t trust him.

Now she’s found a new man who cares, and if the feelings are mutual, they may decide to live together or get married, given time. Living with you and the grandkids for now keeps her from doing that in too much of a hurry.

So, look at the positive side. You now have mom living with you and she will probably look after her grandkids during the week while you go out. While those aren’t prime time slots for dating, they’re still good for coffees and dinners. That’s not a bad deal, and if you want to have a special date on a weekend, then you hire a babysitter.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I had a person phone me just before Christmas to tell me we were related. He had legal papers and proof we were cousins — though not first cousins.

We communicated some more online and exchanged photos. We even look alike with the same curly red hair, green eyes and freckles. I met him for coffee to look at photos of our families, and we had a good talk. Then he thanked me for meeting him, said a polite goodbye, wished me a Merry Christmas and off he went. He didn’t say anything about getting together again.

I have his phone number and email. Is it up to me to call him? What is the etiquette here?

Did I blow this somehow? I’m not exactly the warm-and-fuzzy type, and I need time to process things. A couple weeks have passed, and I would really like to introduce him to my family and meet his people. What should I do next?

— Slow on the Uptake, Fort Garry

Dear Slow: It’s your turn to extend a hand. This cousin obviously wanted to connect, and he went to the trouble of finding you, then bringing photo albums and visiting. He gave you his contact info, so call him up and tell him you would like to get together a second time. Ask him if he would like to bring some family members with him.

Then set a time, and get this meetup show on the road. You may not be the warm-and-fuzzy type, but you may surprise yourself by feeling quite emotional when you meet new faces that look like your own. So be prepared, and take lots of photos to share with the rest of your family.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography